Pursuit of happiness

I am in the pursuit of happiness. I believe that happiness as a permanent state is unattainable, a myth. I do, however, hope for contentment. I hope that there is more to life than the shit I have been experiencing lately. I accept that I am fucked up. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself before anyone will consider me worthy of what I would like to receive. I am constantly pounding away at myself; moulding myself into something else. Trying to heal the past hurts and be strong enough to be alone.

I am starting to see that self satisfaction is the only road to happiness. Even glimpses thereof require inner peace and acceptance.

I am not proud of myself. I have made some mammoth mistakes in life but I am starting to see that everyone else is in the same boat. However, I am choosing to jump out of the boat and swim my own course. I am going to see happiness through self sufficiency. I will rely on no one. That way when I experience disappointment I will be able to rectify the situation myself.

This does not mean that I will be cutting people out of my life; quite the contrary.  I am going to continue to give selflessly to those that I love.  I believe they deserve it. The change will be in my expectations. I have never expected people to give back to me like I give to them. I know that I am strange in the way that I deal with people. I am okay with that. It is my choice.

I accept that I am more flawed than all the other people I know put together. I will own that rather than try to hide it. I choose to accept and embrace my quirkiness.  I love to dance so I will rock it to my tunes as a walk down one of Melbourne's busiest thoroughfares. I barely even notice the strange looks I get anymore - familiarity breeds contempt. I will wriggle at the photocopier while waiting for my printing; even when the music plays only in my head. I will sing out of tune at the top of my lungs as I run. I will eat real food and mock those who fill their bodies with crap. I will dress up for dinner in my own home even when I eat alone. I will chill at yoga, ignoring all the other ridiculously flexible people. I giggle trying to hold a pose rather than get frustrated and walk out. I will continue to make inappropriate jokes. I will tell the truth. I will hug more, laugh louder, and kiss my children all over until they push me away. I will continue to do things I don't enjoy to see the happiness it brings those I love. I will do what makes me happy as often as I possibly can. I will cram more into my day than I should and, when people inevitably tell me to slow my roll I will scream out "Fuck that!".