Nuclear

I had an interesting conversation with my cousin recently. He likened me to having the energy of an atomic bomb; one that needs to cool down from time to time.

I lead a pretty busy life. If I am honest it's because my life is void of the things that hold true meaning to me - my children and someone to love. I run from one activity to the next as a means of avoiding the shitstorm that is my reality.

I am literally on the go at all times in an effort to occupy my mind because I don't like what goes on in there. I don't watch TV. I no longer have the concentration to read and I struggle with meditation.  I only sleep for a couple of hours a night and my head is constantly reeling.  I know this is an avoidance strategy and I recognise it is not healthy.

I acknowledge that I am making up for lost time.  I spent too many years not doing the things I loved and I am overcompensating for that now.  But there is no depth to my life; very few real connections outside my family.  I am torn between trying to accept who I am and trying to change to something else.  I do the former because for too many years I tried to be something I am not and it was unsuccessful.  The latter is because I loathe myself.  I am reminded on a daily basis of my flaws and I desperately want to change that.

I am the epitomy of a veneer.  I have nothing underneath that people are willing to hang around for.  Once people get to know me they want to change me into something else because what is there is just not good enough.  That reality is tough to take.  When it comes from every angle, from every person that you encounter, however, it has to have basis. So I power on through and try desperately to change who I am.  It's as futile as trying to change the colour of my eyes. Nothing I try seems to work and I am left to soldier on knowing that life for me is unlikely to ever get any better.