Changing tack

I have been trying desperately to improve my self esteem. For too long, I have failed. Despite people pumping me up, I just cannot believe that I am worthy. This has had terrible impacts on many facets of my life from my career to my relationships. I have lost many of the things that mattered most to me purely due to the fact that I am deflated and feel that I am worthless.

The hen-pecked part of me creates such fear. At times it is uncontrollable. Like a raging temper, it jumps out once a line has been crossed and I cannot contain it. That tiger pounces without me being able to think it through to it's natural consequences. That's all on me. Regardless of what I have been exposed to and regardless of how long I have been exposed to it; I am responsible for my reaction to the way I feel.

This weekend, I had the great pleasure of being not only with my gorgeous children but my cousin who dedicated much of his evening to chatting to me. As a result of one of our discussions, I did some research. As a result of my research, I am going to change my tact. What I have been doing is clearly not working. I've been going over and over the same ground for months on end and I still hate every little bit of myself. I can regurgitate what others see as my strengths but I don't believe a word of it.  As a result, I make bad choices; I put up with inappropriate behaviour from others and I suffer internally.

As a part of my changed tact, I am going to try to change the way I think about things.  Rather than constantly seeking why things happen I am going to try to see where they are taking me:

A change like this doesn't happen overnight. It will take constant vigilance. I will slip, I will fall, I will probably land flat on my face but I will keep getting up and trying again; probably mainly because I am the most stubborn person I know but also because I don't want to continue on the path that I have been on.