Not fast enough

I have so much to rebuild. I know where I need to get back to and I spend a great deal of my time trying to get there but I feel like I am trying to claw my way out of quicksand. The more I work at it; the deeper in I get.

My self esteem is shot. Seriously, I have nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Naught. None.

It doesn't matter how much people tell me differently; I have been conditioned to believe I am worthless and I am really struggling to get past that.  I battle it daily and have done for seventeen months.  That's nearly a year and a half.  Five hundred and forty seven days.  And I have nothing to show for it.  I am still an insecure ball of mess.

I need to learn faster.

I am so fragile; it takes the smallest thing to tip me over the edge.  I am not proud of myself.  I am not stupid but I just can't seem to get anywhere with this.  Regardless of what I do, I cannot see that I have value.

People keep telling me that I deserve better - a better partner, a better job, a better car.  The things is.  I don't.  I have myself wrapped in a layer of negativity that means that all the positive comment run off like they're butter on Teflon and the negative stuff bored into me like a rabid parasite.

Please, give me your tips on improving self esteem.  Help me learn something new to get out of this because what I have been doing isn't working and I am ruining my life for a second time in as many years.

Addendum: I have a lot of thinking time when I go to pick up my kids. Today I decided to take a different tact.  Clearly what I have been doing has not been working so I need to try something else.  I decided to go to the source to see whether my ex could shed some light on my issues.

He was a bit taken aback, obviously not expecting that I would broach such a subject with him. I am glad that I did, however, as it is something I have been avoiding and dreading for years.  I'm going to respect his privacy and not divulge what he shared here but I feel lighter following our short conversation and am going to take that as a positive sign.