Profanities

I have found in the last few months that I have serious potty mouth.  My language is atrocious.  I blame it on the fact that I don't have the vocabulary required to express my emotions but that's probably just a cover for my laziness.  As such I turn to the most forceful form of language there is - swearing like a sailor.

Someone posted on Facebook recently the following quote: "I do not spew profanities.  I enunciate them clearly, like a fucking lady."  Sums me up nicely!

1000 Steps

This morning I did the Kokoda memorial trail walk in the Dandenongs.  It was still, cool and damp and I managed to complete the 1.8km circuit just before it started to rain (which is a good thing as I run cold).

The walk has been on my bucket list for months. And as I have declared 2013 is the year for growth I could not lie in bed any longer.

There were plenty of other people there but I was surprised at how quiet it was.  The track is quite steep, however, so it did not take long for me to realise the silence was, in part, a result of the fact that no one walking up the hill has breath left over for talking.

Despite having studied Forestry and working in Fire Management for many years, I don't actually get a great deal of joy from being in nature at the moment.  I used to be able to find solace in nature.  However, all I kept thinking as I huffed and puffed up the hill was "I hate trees, they are so tall and arrogant".  I find that I am no longer able at peace when in a natural environment.

For me, it churns up too many emotions.  Sadness at being alone; grief for dreams lost.  I will, on occasion, force myself into these situations as a way of working through things.

At the end of my walk, I came around to the same place I always visit in my head.  The realisation that I could not have continued the way things were.  That I did all that I could and only when I had no other option did I leave.

The quote I need to live by today is
"Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on" Eckhart Tolle.

Hope

Tonight I realised that I have allowed myself to be mistreated by so many people in my life.  I am now faced with a steep learning curve.  Setting boundaries does not come naturally to me.  I am a generous person.  I like to give.  I like to make people I love happy.  As a result I put their needs ahead of my own.  I always have.  But, in order for me to build my self esteem, I need to ensure that people no longer walk all over me.

I am in the habit of putting myself at the mercy of others.  I get my self worth through others as I can honestly not see a single thing about me that is positive.  I've worked very hard over the last year to create a list of attributes about myself that may be construed as positive but, if I am honest, I don't believe a single one. My family will profess that I am all manner of good things but I cannot accept that.  They are my family; they are obliged to say nice things about me.

I have tried to convince myself that I am worthy of being treated well; with respect and as an equal in a relationship. As a matter of fact, I believe everyone deserves that.  But not many have it.  However, there are people out there that demand it.  And get it.  They are rare jewels but they do exist.

I fundamentally believe that humans are meant to be in a community.  The composition of that community may change over time and throughout life but we are not designed to live alone.  Our brains are hard wired to crave other human contact.  When that is lacking things go astray.  Neurons misfire and unhealthy connections are made.

All negative things should end with hope.  The hope that I can learn new ways of interacting with people; that I can start to establish some healthy boundaries; that I can honestly see that some of the things that I have put onto the aforementioned list are true and start to share the great things about me with the people in my life.  Moreover, that I will start to meet people that will appreciate those things about me and treat me with respect.  Because, like L'Oreal profess, I am worth it*.

*writer wishes to note that, at this point, this statement is false bravado

Loyalty

I am a fiercely loyal person. In fact, I can be faithful to a fault; to my own detriment. A cherished friend recently questioned my loyalty. I take great offence to this. The truth of the matter is that loyalty should be a two way street. When it's not, trouble is a brewing and you better watch out.

Correction

It would appear that I have made an error in judgement.  There are no good people in the world.  Only people wanting to get ahead.  At any cost.  And by ahead I mean head.  We live in a rat race.  Where people only care about themselves and what they can gain from a situation.  No one cares about anyone else.  They are looking after numero uno and don't particularly give a shit about who they step on to advance.

Case in point.  I was chatting to someone over the weekend.  He's in a committed relationship.  He also has a number of other women on the side.  None of the women know about the other women.  The guy's male friends think he's a stud (and find the situation rather amusing) and the girls, being none the wiser, think they have it good with a man that tells them (all) that he adores them.  Now, one of the problems I have with this is the deceit that's going on. I hate lies. The other is what is this man thinking?  What makes him think that this is an okay situation?  Where's his respect for any of the three women he has going on?  He knows it's not right.  He says he feels bad about it. Yet he continues to do so because he "gets a lot of vagina".  FFS!

There is no hope.  Only lies and despair.

Sharing the love

I have spent countless hours questioning every aspect of my life.  One of the biggest things I have grappled with has been trying not to care.  Caring about others means exposing vulnerabilities which in turn leads to pain.  I have tried in vain to stop caring for other people.  I have tried and failed.  Time and time again.

So I started looking at things differently.  If I cannot change the way I behave, I need to change the way I respond to my behaviour.  I came to the realisation that loving people (in whatever capacity - family love, sibling love, friend love) adds to life.  For me, life without love has little point.  I believe life is meant to be shared.  Humans are predisposed to live in communities.  We don't cope well in isolation.  Mental illness, especially depression, is rife in our society because people are living more and more secluded lifestyles.

I have a great capacity to give.  I am incredibly generous with my time and give freely to those in my life. I do not expect anything in return for this.  I give to people that are important to me and I treat those I love exceptionally well.  I understand that this comes with costs and there are times that I pay heavily for my generosity.   There have been many times when I have been burnt.  Life, however, was not meant to be easy.  It's no  fairytale.  I don't expect to get through life unscarred.  When I get to the end, though, I want to know that I have done all that I can.  To give a hundred percent to all of life is to live happily.

I am sensitive.  I cannot and do not want to change that so I am trying to embrace it.  Like Pink's Timebomb lyrics, I am working on the principal that "it's only love, give it away"*.

I form attachments pretty easily with people.  I have no problem in sharing my life with others and like to be a part of theirs.  Aside from my family, my love has to be earned.  I love my family unconditionally.  I will stand by them through whatever life throws up. But it takes me time to form deep friendships.  I am very fussy (in almost all aspects of life).  I have exacting standards.

As such, I have only a handful of close friends.  I have many friends in my life - colleagues, associates and aquaintances - but only a few have been let through the walls I use to guard myself.    I can go months, even years without seeing any one of them and I know we will step right back to where we were.  It's a comforting thought.  I know they have seen me in my darkest times.  Contrary to my usual response, which would be panic, I am choosing to find comfort in this.

But romantic love is different.  When I love someone, I tell them.  I have never been ashamed to say I love you.  Ever.  There's a simple reason for this; because once I am willing to verbalise my love to someone they are already cemented into my heart.  They have climbed the walls, passed the tests and I have acknowledged and accepted (as best I can) their flaws.

I have incredible tolerance levels but everyone has a line and, once that line is crossed, there is no going back.  No matter what happens.

Choices

I have recently come to the realisation that true freedom comes when you have choices.  Real choices, without guilt or obligation.  From the simplest things like what am I going to wear today to big things like where do I want to live, what job do I want and how do I like to spend my time.

I think, all too often, people go through the motions of life without really assessing their choices.  I have made major life decisions based on what I think is expected of me.  I know others do too.  One particular friend went to uni after finishing school, married, travelled overseas and had child before she had a psychotic break and realised she didn't actually want any of those things. She has been through years of therapy and medication to try to cope with the choices that she made.

I realise that there are very few people  in the world that are truly free.  Everyone has obligations.  Everyone makes choices based on external factors.  But there is a balance.  I believe there is a way to have choice in life, ergo maintaining freedom, and not harm those around us.  I believe this is achievable if you surround yourself with people that accept you for who you are.  In that way, they will respect the choices that you make and give you the freedom to be. Just be.

There are nearly seven billion people on Earth.  I figure I can find twenty or so good ones that will accept my flaws, respect the things I love and support me through the crap that life dishes out on the way.  My aim is to find those people.

Self assessment

As I mentioned previously, some weeks ago my sister found her Year 8 Religious Education notebook at the beach house.  In it was an exercise that had been set for the class.  They were asked to answer the following questions: What makes me happy?  What makes me angry?  What do I like?  What don't I like?  What are my personal gifts?  What are my issues?

In her infinite wisdom, my sister asked me to answer the questions.  Well, I was stumped by the first question.  Nothing would come to mind.  I worked my way down the list, drawing a blank with each and every question.  Until the last on the list.  Not surprisingly, I found that question easy to answer.  In fact, I have a list a mile long for that one (I will stick to the top few here)!

It took me weeks, looking at the questions every single morning, to get to a point where I am content with my answers.  They are thus:

What makes me happy?
- Family
- Friends
- Music
- Dancing
- Running
- Yoga
- Sunshine

What makes me angry?
- People letting me down
- Being taken advantage of

What do I like?
- Hugs
- Sharing meals with loved ones
- Dresses
- Warm summer nights
- Vodka

What don't I like?
- Being alone

What are my personal gifts?
- Generosity
- Kindness

What are my issues?
- Low self-esteem
- Striving for perfection
- Inability to make decisions
- Neediness
- Jealousy
- Over analysing things
- Importance placed on the opinions of others
- Patience (or a lack thereof)
- An inability to relax

I think the reason I found this so challenging is that I have suppressed my opinions for so long that I honestly do not know how I feel about things. I am at the point where I have to try things out to determine whether I like them or not. I find this very frustrating. At my age I should know what I like and don't like. I should know what makes me happy and what doesn't. I should know how I expect to be treated.

Should clearly is not a word that belongs to me at the moment. I am in a state of discovery. I am exploring the world and finding what works for me, what I will tolerate and what I want. It sounds so simple. To be honest, it is one of the hardest things up do because it exposes the real me to the world I can no longer kid behind a facade. I am exposing myself to those around me and rejection is now real. I am making myself more vulnerable but at least I know that if people like me now it is real. I have a capacity now to form a solid group of friends who actually like me. Ivan stop living a lie and start loving life.   Warts and all.

Challenge is inevitable

Being challenged in life is inevitable; being defeated is not - Roger Crawford

I have had some challenging experiences over the last few years  I have faced a very serious, unexplained illness that saw me in and out of hospital for months, I lost my job and had to take on three others in order to support my family then moved to Melbourne.  In short, I have been doing what I have had to.  I have faced many demons along the way.

My way of coping with those challenges was to bury everything.  Whenever things were tough, I would squash whatever emotions I had deep within.  I was so overwhelmed by life I reached the point where I was merely existing; moving from one day to the next in a flurry of activity.  I was so detached from the world.  I did this as a protective mechanism so I had no capacity to feel pain.  The flip side is that I also had no capacity to feel joy either.  I was dead inside.

It was one morning, after yet another sleepless night, that I decided to go for a run.  I am not a runner.  But I was desperate.  So I donned my shoes and set out in the brisk morning.  My lungs burned and my knee ached but I managed a very slow two kay amble.  I let my thoughts go with the wind as I ran.  For the first time in years, I felt free.

Over time I realised that I could use running to adjust my mood.  I have a lot to process and deal with strong emotions from guilt to regret to sheer panic.

That was about a year ago and I can now say that I truly love to run.  I actually miss it on days when I cannot run.  I still use running as a form of self-flagellation but I recognise it for what it is.  And, as such, I now have a tool in my kit that I can use to help me cope when I feel overwhelmed.  On days when I feel challenged, running allows me to remain undefeated.

Growth

Last night I was stood up. Twice. I was meant to catch up with a friend for coffee but he never showed.  Then I was hoping to catch up with another friend but that fell through.  No great drama you say? Well, up until a few weeks ago this sequence of events would have seen me fall to pieces. I would have berated myself for weeks, months, possibly years for being sub-standard and unworthy. I would have analysed the situation over and over; wondering what I could have done differently.  Considering the analysis, I would then form the view that I am poor company, uninteresting and no fun (why else would two, unrelated friends ditch me on the same night?). However, while I have to admit that I still believe the aforementioned traits are true, I find I am better able to cope with the rejection portion of the situation I found myself in*.

Naturally, no one wants to be rejected but (do I sound like a broken record yet?) life sucks.  In situations like this you have a choice.

So instead of falling to pieces, I enjoyed a (very sub-standard) hot (read tepid) chocolate in the warm autumn air at a funky little cafe where I was meant to meet the first friend. At this point I could have cut my losses and lamented the fact that I spilled said chocolate beverage on my jeans.  But, I am determined to do things differently.

I was adamant my night was not going to end on a low note.  So, with the impetus of needing to pee, I found a pub nearby.  The pub happened to have a DJ and dance floor.   Win! There was a group of extremely talented dancers there and the five of us boogied up a storm. I get great joy from dancing. I love music and dancing is something I do all the time. I cannot help myself.   It makes me infinitely happy to be on a dance floor.  I don't care what I look like or what other people think of me when I am dancing.  For me, dance is freedom.  Last night, as I danced, I thought only happy thoughts.  I smiled.  I let go.  I relaxed.

This morning, as I watched the sun rise on route to my son's 9th birthday party, I reflected on the fact that my night did not work out at all as I had hoped but that I was okay.  There was disappointment but were no tears, no self flagellation, no regret.

* As an aside, perhaps my increased ability to cope with rejection comes from the over abundance of practice I get in this field but I am going to chose to skip straight over this point and pretend it doesn't exist.  At least for today.

Re-learning

For the first 16 years of my life I was single. Then I met someone that changed me forever. I fell madly in love. I held strong to my beliefs and morals. I was truly happy. I danced, sang and laughed. We were together for about a year and a half. However, because I wouldn't have sex with him, he broke it off. I was heartbroken.

It was a year before I fell in love again. When I fall in love I fall hard. I have high standards so when someone breaks through they are pretty special. Three years later that relationship ended. It was very messy. He had been cheating on me and my best friend caught him out. Turns out he didn't want to marry having slept with only one woman. I have always been very firm on the fact that I do not share. Hell, I am a jealous bitch at the best of times!

Time passed and I fell in love again. A smart and funny man swept me off my feet. We married and had two adorable children together. Sadly, despite all my efforts and desire to make it work, it didn't. My heart was shattered. Irreparable. Forever damaged.

I gave a lot of myself to my marriage. I let go of many of the things that made me who I was. I relinquished myself. I was so focused on making my family happy that I ended up miserable.

Now I find myself re-learning. Seeking the things that make me happy. Discovering what I like and what I don't like. Working on my weaknesses and desperately trying to uncovering any strength that may be hiding within. It is a slow and painful process but one I hope will be worthwhile. This road is unchartered and I head out on it alone. I am scared, I am scarred but I am determined.

Powering through

Sometimes in life shit happens. No one goes through life pain free. There is not a single person that has ever lived that hasn't struggled at some point. We all have issues. Some more than others. Some hide their issues under a veil of false bravado. Some drown them, some turn to drugs, some dive into depression, some seek solice in counselling, others turn to friends, some bury themselves in work. Others power through; burying their smouldering pile of fetid filth deep inside. I've always done the latter. I still do.

However, I have learnt in the last year that you can only hold so much. There comes a point where you reach capacity and all that ugliness comes spewing out. No matter how much you want to stop it. And it is not pretty. By definition.

There comes a point when you have to face facts. Life sucks. But I am not one to back down from a challenge. I see this as both a strength and one of my greatest weaknesses (trust me, that list is exhaustive).

I choose to look at my stubbornness as a character trait. It's not something I can change. I can choose to embrace that about myself and learn to use that to my advantage. I believe that's the greatest lesson in life - learning to utilise the skills you have in the best way you can. Especially when you find yourself wallowing in the darkness. I am there. I am clutching at any sign of strength, utilising anything I can to pull myself out and relying heavily on those around me. (Oh, and paying for professional help that I cannot really afford). Despite trying for a very long time, I could not do this alone. Reaching out is the hardest thing I have ever done. They say that no man is an island. Turns out no woman is either!

So instead of burying everything I am now inspecting the crap inside. I have accepted that I will come through this scarred (pity I am not a lesbian; apparently chicks dig scars) but I will be clean and  fresh-smelling.

Like Eminem so eloquently puts it: 'it's time to exorcise these demons, these motherfuckers are doing jumping-jacks now'!

Be still

Tonight I had a bath. This may seem insignificant and unimportant to the uninitiated. But for those that know how I am at the moment: it is mammoth. Firstly, the idea of wallowing in my own filth is not appealing. So I showered first which, of course, makes the terrible waste of water even greater. Then there is the fact that I don't like to be contained. I feel somewhat trapped in a bath (which is strange considering a shower is an enclosed space and I love being in there).  Then there is the naked bit. It is no secret that I am a prude and I detest my body.  Add to this that I have a complete inability to stay still and the mere thought of a bath is very unappealing.

However, a dear friend recently bought me a book. One that I know I will find very challenging to read. But, being the stubborn thing that I am, I will not shy away from a challenge. So I trapped myself in the bath to force myself to stop and to read.

Now, not much of what I read has stayed with me (my restless mind wanders) but I was still for an hour. Apart from the 10 minute meditation at the end of my weekly yoga class, this has been the longest I have stayed in one spot for years. I hated every second of it. But I forced myself to stay there (re-reading the same pages of text over and over).

I can't say I learnt anything other than the fact that I at least have the resolve to follow through on things that I set my mind to. That is enough for today. I will be content in the knowledge that I did something that took me out of my comfort zone and I stuck with it.

Just be me

I heard a song recently and the lyrics included the line "There is more I could be". 

This resonated loudly with me. I have been working on what corporations would term 'continual improvement'. I'm finally facing my demons. 

For many years I have been very unhappy with me. I lied to myself, my family and those I loved the most about. I lied about what I wanted; what was fundamentally important to me and the things that made me happy. In doing so I did a disservice to them. But, more importantly, I obliterated the essence of me. 

In suppressing my preferences in an attempt to make those around me happy I made myself miserable. I worked myself (literally) sick. I threw myself into work as an escape from the reality of my life. It was an ineffective coping mechanism as it did not address the route cause of the problem. 

I was living a lie. 

I realise now how important it is to be. Just be. Screw what others think.     I intend to be true to myself, my values and my core beliefs.  The first step is making sure I know what those things are - easier said than done I have discovered. But,  with my adorable sister to the rescue (again), I am working on answering a set of what appear to be simple questions:

- what makes me happy?

- what makes me angry?

- what do I like? 

- what don't I like? 

- what are my personal gifts?

- what are my issues?

Now, the last question is the easiest for me to answer. I could rave on about my shortcomings for days. The other questions I have found particularly challenging and am still working on findings the answers. 

It will be a long road to rediscover myself.  I will never be the same. But I will be better than I am now. I will never again sacrifice myself and my core values for someone else. 

Although life is chaotic, unpleasant and uncertain at the moment; I hold hope for the future. I have no idea what I want my future to look like but I am determined to be more. Quite simply - happier, healthier and stronger. 

Finding joy

I have been focusing lately on things that bring joy to my life - my children, my family, friends, sunshine, yoga, music and dancing.  I have relied very heavily on music recently.  I find great solice in the rhythm and can get lost in the lyrics.  There are certain songs that I turn to in times of darkness and others that I play when my mood is lighter.

I dance whenever I get the chance (and, unlike the lyrics to Hotel California "some dance to remember, some dance to forget", I dance to do both). Sometimes I dance at the most inappropriate times but I truly don't care what others think of me! Especially people I will never meet again.  I have come to the realisation that life should be enjoyed not endured. It matters not whether the person I meet on the street on a Tuesday morning as I run with a twist of my hips thinks I am a fool.  What matters is that I had a smile on my face and a happy heart.

Moments of joy are fleeting but I am learning that I can create moments of joy in the mundane. Swinging withe the kids at the park, time spent with my sister, a laugh with colleagues over a hot chocolate, conversations with random strangers.

Recently, my moments of joy have involved other people.  I find it very difficult to be happy when I am alone.  However, a wise friend recently made me aware of the fact that I am also present when I am happiest, even if this is when I am with other people.  This has given me such a great insight into the possibilities that lie ahead.

Like Albert Einstein says "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow"

Carrying over

Things are messy in my life.  I've been blogging under another site but will carry over the relevant posts from there in chronological order.