I have spent countless hours questioning every aspect of my life. One of the biggest things I have grappled with has been trying not to care. Caring about others means exposing vulnerabilities which in turn leads to pain. I have tried in vain to stop caring for other people. I have tried and failed. Time and time again.
So I started looking at things differently. If I cannot change the way I behave, I need to change the way I respond to my behaviour. I came to the realisation that loving people (in whatever capacity - family love, sibling love, friend love) adds to life. For me, life without love has little point. I believe life is meant to be shared. Humans are predisposed to live in communities. We don't cope well in isolation. Mental illness, especially depression, is rife in our society because people are living more and more secluded lifestyles.
I have a great capacity to give. I am incredibly generous with my time and give freely to those in my life. I do not expect anything in return for this. I give to people that are important to me and I treat those I love exceptionally well. I understand that this comes with costs and there are times that I pay heavily for my generosity. There have been many times when I have been burnt. Life, however, was not meant to be easy. It's no fairytale. I don't expect to get through life unscarred. When I get to the end, though, I want to know that I have done all that I can. To give a hundred percent to all of life is to live happily.
I am sensitive. I cannot and do not want to change that so I am trying to embrace it. Like Pink's Timebomb lyrics, I am working on the principal that "it's only love, give it away"*.
I form attachments pretty easily with people. I have no problem in sharing my life with others and like to be a part of theirs. Aside from my family, my love has to be earned. I love my family unconditionally. I will stand by them through whatever life throws up. But it takes me time to form deep friendships. I am very fussy (in almost all aspects of life). I have exacting standards.
As such, I have only a handful of close friends. I have many friends in my life - colleagues, associates and aquaintances - but only a few have been let through the walls I use to guard myself. I can go months, even years without seeing any one of them and I know we will step right back to where we were. It's a comforting thought. I know they have seen me in my darkest times. Contrary to my usual response, which would be panic, I am choosing to find comfort in this.
But romantic love is different. When I love someone, I tell them. I have never been ashamed to say I love you. Ever. There's a simple reason for this; because once I am willing to verbalise my love to someone they are already cemented into my heart. They have climbed the walls, passed the tests and I have acknowledged and accepted (as best I can) their flaws.
I have incredible tolerance levels but everyone has a line and, once that line is crossed, there is no going back. No matter what happens.
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