Hope

Tonight I realised that I have allowed myself to be mistreated by so many people in my life.  I am now faced with a steep learning curve.  Setting boundaries does not come naturally to me.  I am a generous person.  I like to give.  I like to make people I love happy.  As a result I put their needs ahead of my own.  I always have.  But, in order for me to build my self esteem, I need to ensure that people no longer walk all over me.

I am in the habit of putting myself at the mercy of others.  I get my self worth through others as I can honestly not see a single thing about me that is positive.  I've worked very hard over the last year to create a list of attributes about myself that may be construed as positive but, if I am honest, I don't believe a single one. My family will profess that I am all manner of good things but I cannot accept that.  They are my family; they are obliged to say nice things about me.

I have tried to convince myself that I am worthy of being treated well; with respect and as an equal in a relationship. As a matter of fact, I believe everyone deserves that.  But not many have it.  However, there are people out there that demand it.  And get it.  They are rare jewels but they do exist.

I fundamentally believe that humans are meant to be in a community.  The composition of that community may change over time and throughout life but we are not designed to live alone.  Our brains are hard wired to crave other human contact.  When that is lacking things go astray.  Neurons misfire and unhealthy connections are made.

All negative things should end with hope.  The hope that I can learn new ways of interacting with people; that I can start to establish some healthy boundaries; that I can honestly see that some of the things that I have put onto the aforementioned list are true and start to share the great things about me with the people in my life.  Moreover, that I will start to meet people that will appreciate those things about me and treat me with respect.  Because, like L'Oreal profess, I am worth it*.

*writer wishes to note that, at this point, this statement is false bravado