Self assessment

As I mentioned previously, some weeks ago my sister found her Year 8 Religious Education notebook at the beach house.  In it was an exercise that had been set for the class.  They were asked to answer the following questions: What makes me happy?  What makes me angry?  What do I like?  What don't I like?  What are my personal gifts?  What are my issues?

In her infinite wisdom, my sister asked me to answer the questions.  Well, I was stumped by the first question.  Nothing would come to mind.  I worked my way down the list, drawing a blank with each and every question.  Until the last on the list.  Not surprisingly, I found that question easy to answer.  In fact, I have a list a mile long for that one (I will stick to the top few here)!

It took me weeks, looking at the questions every single morning, to get to a point where I am content with my answers.  They are thus:

What makes me happy?
- Family
- Friends
- Music
- Dancing
- Running
- Yoga
- Sunshine

What makes me angry?
- People letting me down
- Being taken advantage of

What do I like?
- Hugs
- Sharing meals with loved ones
- Dresses
- Warm summer nights
- Vodka

What don't I like?
- Being alone

What are my personal gifts?
- Generosity
- Kindness

What are my issues?
- Low self-esteem
- Striving for perfection
- Inability to make decisions
- Neediness
- Jealousy
- Over analysing things
- Importance placed on the opinions of others
- Patience (or a lack thereof)
- An inability to relax

I think the reason I found this so challenging is that I have suppressed my opinions for so long that I honestly do not know how I feel about things. I am at the point where I have to try things out to determine whether I like them or not. I find this very frustrating. At my age I should know what I like and don't like. I should know what makes me happy and what doesn't. I should know how I expect to be treated.

Should clearly is not a word that belongs to me at the moment. I am in a state of discovery. I am exploring the world and finding what works for me, what I will tolerate and what I want. It sounds so simple. To be honest, it is one of the hardest things up do because it exposes the real me to the world I can no longer kid behind a facade. I am exposing myself to those around me and rejection is now real. I am making myself more vulnerable but at least I know that if people like me now it is real. I have a capacity now to form a solid group of friends who actually like me. Ivan stop living a lie and start loving life.   Warts and all.