Powering through

Sometimes in life shit happens. No one goes through life pain free. There is not a single person that has ever lived that hasn't struggled at some point. We all have issues. Some more than others. Some hide their issues under a veil of false bravado. Some drown them, some turn to drugs, some dive into depression, some seek solice in counselling, others turn to friends, some bury themselves in work. Others power through; burying their smouldering pile of fetid filth deep inside. I've always done the latter. I still do.

However, I have learnt in the last year that you can only hold so much. There comes a point where you reach capacity and all that ugliness comes spewing out. No matter how much you want to stop it. And it is not pretty. By definition.

There comes a point when you have to face facts. Life sucks. But I am not one to back down from a challenge. I see this as both a strength and one of my greatest weaknesses (trust me, that list is exhaustive).

I choose to look at my stubbornness as a character trait. It's not something I can change. I can choose to embrace that about myself and learn to use that to my advantage. I believe that's the greatest lesson in life - learning to utilise the skills you have in the best way you can. Especially when you find yourself wallowing in the darkness. I am there. I am clutching at any sign of strength, utilising anything I can to pull myself out and relying heavily on those around me. (Oh, and paying for professional help that I cannot really afford). Despite trying for a very long time, I could not do this alone. Reaching out is the hardest thing I have ever done. They say that no man is an island. Turns out no woman is either!

So instead of burying everything I am now inspecting the crap inside. I have accepted that I will come through this scarred (pity I am not a lesbian; apparently chicks dig scars) but I will be clean and  fresh-smelling.

Like Eminem so eloquently puts it: 'it's time to exorcise these demons, these motherfuckers are doing jumping-jacks now'!