This resonated loudly with me. I have been working on what corporations would term 'continual improvement'. I'm finally facing my demons.
For many years I have been very unhappy with me. I lied to myself, my family and those I loved the most about. I lied about what I wanted; what was fundamentally important to me and the things that made me happy. In doing so I did a disservice to them. But, more importantly, I obliterated the essence of me.
In suppressing my preferences in an attempt to make those around me happy I made myself miserable. I worked myself (literally) sick. I threw myself into work as an escape from the reality of my life. It was an ineffective coping mechanism as it did not address the route cause of the problem.
I was living a lie.
I realise now how important it is to be. Just be. Screw what others think. I intend to be true to myself, my values and my core beliefs. The first step is making sure I know what those things are - easier said than done I have discovered. But, with my adorable sister to the rescue (again), I am working on answering a set of what appear to be simple questions:
- what makes me happy?
- what makes me angry?
- what do I like?
- what don't I like?
- what are my personal gifts?
- what are my issues?
Now, the last question is the easiest for me to answer. I could rave on about my shortcomings for days. The other questions I have found particularly challenging and am still working on findings the answers.
It will be a long road to rediscover myself. I will never be the same. But I will be better than I am now. I will never again sacrifice myself and my core values for someone else.
Although life is chaotic, unpleasant and uncertain at the moment; I hold hope for the future. I have no idea what I want my future to look like but I am determined to be more. Quite simply - happier, healthier and stronger.
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