Conditioning

Retraining the brain is hard work. Conditioning is a strong psychological response (think of Pavlov's drooling dogs). I've spent a great deal of time and effort in the last year turning shit around. Seeking the positive; ignoring the negative. Turning what could be construed as negative into something positive. 

For the most part, I am making progress. Where something would have previously floored me for weeks, I can now let go. Sometimes very quickly. Other times it takes a little longer. But I can usually get to the point where I can move on. Progress. 

I still struggle with some people but I still find them affecting me less and with reduced intensity.  I still find that my immediate response is negative but I give less shits about what people think of me. This is for two reasons. Firstly, I can see the pedestal I put people on (often times without merit) and I am dropping them down. Secondly because I am starting to find things about myself that I don't detest. 

I am slowly unravelling the conditioning of my past, surrounding myself with people that don't bringe down and changing my response. There is a balance required. I don't want to overshoot the mark. I will never be liked by everyone. I will always have traits that are not perfect. I will come across people that look for the negative in others. I am aiming for realism. Not every cement that comes out of people's mouths is going to be a criticism (no one is more critical of me than I am) but there are times when others have an opinion of me that is not positive. That's okay. They are entitled to their opinion. Trick is to find people that accept my flaws and love me anyway. I am no longer in the game of changing myself to suit others, regardless of who they are. I will not apologise for who I am. Fundamentally flawed? Sure am! I am going to own that shit. Embrace it and wear it with pride. 

I have worked hard to get to where I am and the essence of who I am is okay. Not angelic but a long way from the bitterness of pure evil. I'm content with who I am considering what I have been through. I may be a shadow of who I could be but, let's face it, how many people truly live up to their full potential? 

I accept that I am not perfect but my intentions are good and I will not compromise on that. Ever again. There are so few things I like about myself but my generosity, honesty, integrity and loyalty will not waiver. I will love with my whole being which will mean I give more than I receive. I will stick by those I love even of it means supporting them while they do things I don't agree with. I will be there for them to pick up the pieces. I will hold them, feed them and nourish their souls. I will encourage them. I will put their needs ahead of my own. And I will sleep better at night knowing that I am doing what makes me proud. 

Fuck conditioning. I am not here to appease others. I am not put to impress them with falseness. I have learnt the hard way that moulding yourself to someone else's ideal is dangerous, damaging and impossible to maintain. 

Throw your judgement at me. I can handle it. Warts and all, I am okay with who I am. I will not apologise if you don't like me. There are seven billion people out there - someone else will.