For better or worse

Looking back at my marriage today made me realise how immensely proud I am of myself. I gave more in the 15 years we were together and our 12 years of marriage than I ever thought was possible. Some may say I was misguided, naive or just plain stupid but I loved my husband unconditionally and I gave him my heart and soul. I dedicated love, blood, sweat and tears to helping him achieve his life dream. I sacrificed my dreams. I willingly gave of myself over and over again. I gave and gave and gave until I had nothing left.

Looking back I can see that he never loved me. He tried to mould me into something other than what I was. What I am was not good enough; did not suit his needs. That's not his fault. I enabled him to do so. I did not stand my ground. My love for him was so great that I relinquished over and over again. I consistently succumbed to his requests in an attempt to try to get him to love me.

I was unloveable. Fundamentally flawed.

I have spent countless hours working tirelessly on my multitude of issues. My failing and shortfalls. I have (metaphorically) looked at myself in the mirror; dissected every fibre and put myself back together again. When that wasn't good enough I rinsed out my heart. Letting the pain and guilt wash away. When I looked again I still saw flaws so I pulled myself to pieces again, examined every one and inspected the damage done. I have poured so my time, effort, tears and energy into rebuilding myself. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be! I still have more work to do. I have insecurities and fears that I need to face. I have already established boundaries and I am working hard on sticking to them. I falter and I fail but I pick myself up, dust myself off and try better the next time.

I am devastated that my marriage failed. When I walked down that aisle in the dress I had designed after working two jobs and studying full time to marry the man I was in love with I had every intention of sticking it through to the end. Little did I know at that point that the man I was besotted with did not love me and that, in the end, it mattered not what I gave to him or the marriage he never would.

Regardless, I can look back and say that I dedicated all of me and I only let go when I had nothing left. I wish things had have worked out differently but they didn't.