Insights

I went out dancing with my sister and a friend recently. I have mentioned before that I don't care what people think of me when I dance. I dance for me - it is cheap therapy. I find it cathartic. To me, dance is healthy escapism; a safe way to go elsewhere for a few hours.

A guy, Gav, came up to me when the DJ stopped playing at the first bar and said I was entertaining. He then introduced himself to my sister. Gav was in awe that we were siblings. He then went on to make various observations about us noting that I have a strong wall up but summising that if anyone managed to penetrate the wall they'd be treated very well. 

Interestingly, I had a traditional Thai massage earlier that day and the masseur said something similar. Apart from telling me that my body is stuffed and that in her twenty years of massaging she had never had to work so hard to fix someone she also said that I had a troubled life. She spoke of how I had been mistreated in the past and needed to focus on me. She said that I had been broken but that this was a chance to build a different me. As she puffed with exertion trying to massage out my knots she encouraged me to tear down the walls I have built. "No one can get in to see how beautiful you are on the inside if you block them out". 

She spoke throughout the hour long massage. I never said a word. She talked of many other things including my low self esteem and that I am a perfectionist but that the work I was doing to rectify these things meant progress and that I needed to keep at it as I am just about to break through.