Today my gym buddy cancelled on me. Again. Instead of mope about I decided to take advantage of the mild weather and install the key lock I bought last week. To do so I had to steal power from inside so jigged up an extension cord through the window and noticed how filthy the windows are. So, once I installed the key lock, I washed the windows (well, the ones I can reach without a ladder (which I do not own). The beauty of it is that I am now sitting at my table, drinking a cup of tea and looking out sparkling windows. Spring cleaning has come a little late in my house!
I am constantly assessing how much time I have before my next planned activity so I can work out what I can fit in. I am planning on going to Zumba at 2015. It is now nearing 1900 so I have an hour to enjoy my tea, finish this post, return the drill I borrowed from my brother-in-law, wash the car and drive to gym.
I fill my life with activity so as to dull my mind. While I love being social and getting out I am acutely aware that I am doing so to distract me from the fact that I am deeply discontented with both myself and my life. With every passing minute, my life seems to get further away from where I want it to be.
So I fill every corner of my life. I rush from one task to another. I cram as much into each day as I can. Not for the right reasons though and, no matter how much I 'accomplish' in a day, I am not satisfied. At the core I am unhappy. I am deeply saddened by my life. I am heartbroken that I am without my children. I am ashamed of the choices I have made. I am embarrassed that I cannot get a job. I am hurt that I am unloved. I am shattered that I am a time filler, only seen when people have no other options.
There are times when I can look at my predicament and see light. There are fleeting moments when I feel contented. And I have been blessed to have experienced sheer joy.
However, when I compare myself to other people I realise I am a freak. People have commented that I achieve in a morning than they would do in a whole weekend. This is how I have always been, to a point. I don't see myself as superhuman or special in any way. I do what needs to be done. So if this means that I do three loads of washing and vacuum before work, that is what I do.
On weekends when I don't have the kids I am probably home for a total of about 6 hours all weekend. I am generally only home to do the inevitable chores that come from living, to shower and change clothes. I will see my parents, sister, cousins and aunt. I will visit friends and go to the gym. I will go out and dance whenever I get the chance.
I believe that life is meant to be lived and I intend to get as much out of it as I can. I was sheltered from the world for over a decade. I have a lot of catching up to do. And I have a lot of work undoing the damage of that time. Two birds. One stone.
Rock on.
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