Hjarnspoken

My cousin from Sweden recently visited me.  He stayed for two months and I consider myself very lucky to have had him as a part of my life for that time.  During his stay, we spent countless hours talking about all sorts of things.  One of the topics was my lack of self esteem.

His observation from our time together was that I suffer from hjarnspoken.  The literal translation of "hjarnspoken" is brain ghosts and it refers to imagined problems resulting from obsessions or unfounded fears to paranoia or even hallucinations.

Now, considering this, I don't think he was suggesting that I am paranoid and I know I don't suffer with hallucinations but he may have a point. I tend to focus on negative comments about myself. I struggle to see why anyone would like me.

No one sees it like I do.  Humans are very good at denigrating themselves and their self worth and I have mastered the skill. Someone can say a hundred positive things about me and one negative and all I will remember is the negative one. The hundred positive ones could be lost in Siberia. As far as my brain is concerned, they don't exist.

I have been working tirelessly on this for many months. For me it is a real sticking point. I am making headway much of the time but then one of the four people that can truly break me will say something negative and I slip back again. I regain ground with greater speed these days but I am working on getting to the point where no one can floor me.