Friday, 31 January 2014
Sky high stacks
I want to be a millionaire. So fucking bad. I want sky high stacks of cash. Like this:
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I want to not worry about paying my next phone bill. I want to enjoy central heating rather than cover myself in layers of blankets.
I need money because I want to travel the world. I want to follow summer. I want to drink cocktails in New York, climb Kilimanjaro and walk Milford Sound. I want to paddleboard on the Okavango delta, circumnavigate Uluru and drink vodka while watchig the sun set over the ocean in Broome. I want to do the walking pub crawl across the UK and Scotland. I want to eat croissants explore the catacombs of Paris. I want to dine outdoors on pizza in Florence. I want to traverse the canals in Venice. I want to shop on Fifth Avenue and watch the ball drop on New Years in Times Square. I want to walk the great wall of China and see the pyramids of Giza. I want to glamp at Longitude 131.
I have expensive tastes. I like nice things and I don't want to settle for second best. I want massages and facials, hair treatments and pedicures. I want a car with iPod connectivity and money for iTunes. I want diamonds and jewels. I want pretty clothes - a silk singlet, dresses galore and some tailored jackets. I want shoes. Lots of pretty shoes. I want to eat out and go to the movies. I want to drink cocktails. I want an en suite and undercover off street parking.
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I want to not worry about paying my next phone bill. I want to enjoy central heating rather than cover myself in layers of blankets.
I need money because I want to travel the world. I want to follow summer. I want to drink cocktails in New York, climb Kilimanjaro and walk Milford Sound. I want to paddleboard on the Okavango delta, circumnavigate Uluru and drink vodka while watchig the sun set over the ocean in Broome. I want to do the walking pub crawl across the UK and Scotland. I want to eat croissants explore the catacombs of Paris. I want to dine outdoors on pizza in Florence. I want to traverse the canals in Venice. I want to shop on Fifth Avenue and watch the ball drop on New Years in Times Square. I want to walk the great wall of China and see the pyramids of Giza. I want to glamp at Longitude 131.
I have expensive tastes. I like nice things and I don't want to settle for second best. I want massages and facials, hair treatments and pedicures. I want a car with iPod connectivity and money for iTunes. I want diamonds and jewels. I want pretty clothes - a silk singlet, dresses galore and some tailored jackets. I want shoes. Lots of pretty shoes. I want to eat out and go to the movies. I want to drink cocktails. I want an en suite and undercover off street parking.
Music
Music is chocolate for the ears. I truly believe that the right music can pull you to a better place. However, the wrong music can also send you sinking down.
Life is amazing
For me, life is amazing when:
- I hug my children
- I laugh so hard my cheeks ache and my stomach hurts
- I lie naked on a man's chest
- Someone cooks a delicious meal with love for me
- I do something I have never done before
- I chat into the wee hours of the morning with people I love about things that really matter
- I fall asleep on my sister's couch
- I receive a text from a friend
- I drink vodka
- I share cocktails with my favourite drinking partner
- I dance
- I practice yoga
- I walk into my clean house
Choice
A moment of choice is a moment of truth. It's the testing point of our character and competence - Stephen R Covey
Wrong
"How wrong is it for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants rather than to create it herself?" - Anais Nin
Moving on
I have to admit that I am happy my ex has a girlfriend. I want him to be happy. I don't want him rubbing my nose in it and telling me I am going to die alone because I am unloveable however. That's just plain mean!
Shitting on my heart
A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you as a human being intact. He won't fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart. - Louis CK
Legacy
Spending an extended period of time with my children recently made me realise that they receive not only physical legacies (my son has my eyes and my daughter my feet) but emotional legacies too. I feel sorry for my children; I am not the strongest genetic stock (my sister was blessed with the lions share of superior genes). I am also somewhat emotionally unstable. I am insecure and have terrible self esteem. I lack motivation and am so far from a high achiever. I am not even in the ballpark.
I am blessed with talented friends and an incredibly successful family. My mother has run a multinational IT company; my father represented the country in basketball; my aunt is an Olympic gold medalist and two of my cousins own their own businesses. I am the black sheep of the family - my children live with their father most of the time; I have a mundane job (no career path for me); I have no assets with no capacity to make headway in the next twelve years and I am unloveable.
Someone recently said "it's a wonder you get through the day with the shit you have been through". Sad but true. There was a long time where I could not see a way out of my mess. Despite thinking constantly of my children, I could not see that they would be better off having me in their life.
I am working on fixing myself not only for me but for my children too. I figure if I can sift through the shit then I will have some skills to pass onto them when they eventually decide they need to undo some of the damage I have caused them. In fact, I have promised them both that I will get them therapy sessions for both their 18th and 21st birthdays to help them process their childhood and prepare them for the real world.
I am blessed with talented friends and an incredibly successful family. My mother has run a multinational IT company; my father represented the country in basketball; my aunt is an Olympic gold medalist and two of my cousins own their own businesses. I am the black sheep of the family - my children live with their father most of the time; I have a mundane job (no career path for me); I have no assets with no capacity to make headway in the next twelve years and I am unloveable.
Someone recently said "it's a wonder you get through the day with the shit you have been through". Sad but true. There was a long time where I could not see a way out of my mess. Despite thinking constantly of my children, I could not see that they would be better off having me in their life.
I am working on fixing myself not only for me but for my children too. I figure if I can sift through the shit then I will have some skills to pass onto them when they eventually decide they need to undo some of the damage I have caused them. In fact, I have promised them both that I will get them therapy sessions for both their 18th and 21st birthdays to help them process their childhood and prepare them for the real world.
Loss
If you want to know who your true friends are, fuck up and see who's still there. I have been astounded at the losses I have incurred since deciding to leave married life behind. I have lost friends and in-laws. I have lost myself and my sense of identity that was tied in part to those people.
There are so many people that I no longer have contact with, not least my nieces and nephews on my ex's side who I adore, that make the breakdown of a marriage all the more difficult. Having children myself means that I am both blessed and cursed with stories of them. I love hearing about their cousins but my heart breaks knowing that I will not be a part of their lives, especially considering I invested so heavily in terms of time and love.
With every loss there is a grieving process and I am not yet at the end of that. I know that there will be further losses as time goes on but I don't think that you can ever be fully prepared for it.
I have been blessed to form new relationships with some truly wonderful people as a result of my situation. I have also been lucky that some old friends have embraced me into their lives again. For that I am very thankful. Not only is it a delight to rekindle friendships from decades ago, it is reassuring to make new friendships. I find that any new relationship is an opportunity to learn more about myself. As with new experiences, new relationships provide a window into a part of me that I had not looked at previously. I love that I am meeting people with different interests and perspectives
There are so many people that I no longer have contact with, not least my nieces and nephews on my ex's side who I adore, that make the breakdown of a marriage all the more difficult. Having children myself means that I am both blessed and cursed with stories of them. I love hearing about their cousins but my heart breaks knowing that I will not be a part of their lives, especially considering I invested so heavily in terms of time and love.
With every loss there is a grieving process and I am not yet at the end of that. I know that there will be further losses as time goes on but I don't think that you can ever be fully prepared for it.
I have been blessed to form new relationships with some truly wonderful people as a result of my situation. I have also been lucky that some old friends have embraced me into their lives again. For that I am very thankful. Not only is it a delight to rekindle friendships from decades ago, it is reassuring to make new friendships. I find that any new relationship is an opportunity to learn more about myself. As with new experiences, new relationships provide a window into a part of me that I had not looked at previously. I love that I am meeting people with different interests and perspectives
Dance like no body's watching
It's no secret that I love to dance. I would ideally choose a profession as a dancer then I realise I have no skill. At all.
But I do not let that deter me. I love music and I dance even if the music is only in my head. I dance when I walk, when I cook, when I clean, when I drive. I dance at my desk. I dance with my children. I even dance as I walk down the street.
But I do not let that deter me. I love music and I dance even if the music is only in my head. I dance when I walk, when I cook, when I clean, when I drive. I dance at my desk. I dance with my children. I even dance as I walk down the street.
Nothing beats family
My family are a hotch botch of people with different values, different interests and different talents. But we fit. We love, support and laugh at each other.
I spent the evening tonight with one of my gorgeous cousins. I am so thankful to truly adore my family. Sure, they piss me off from time to time but who doesn't?
My cousin and I spoke at length, freely, without inhibition and entirely from the heart. There are very few things that I keep locked up anymore. Most topics are open and free for discussion with anyone. I am pretty transparent and open. I cannot lie.
I spend quite a lot of time with my family. Not out of obligation but because I honestly enjoy their company. I have a photo next to my bed of my sister and I as kids. It reminds me first thing in the morning and last thing at night that I have someone in my corner.
Nothing brings a smile to my face more than seeing how my children interact with each other and my sister's kids.
They are just so freaking adorable! The way they interact reminds me that we have to be doing something right. They are tolerant (most of the time) and supportive of each other. It makes me so happy!
If you have a choice
I'm not the kind of girl that men chase. I'm not the kind of girl men fight over. I am not the kind of girl that men want in general. But I know women who are. I am, to be honest, surprised at how eager men are to be with these women.
The best advice to those in this position is best stolen from the movie This Means War - "Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that makes you a better girl".
The best advice to those in this position is best stolen from the movie This Means War - "Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that makes you a better girl".
Dr Seuss Frinspiration
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose." - Dr Seuss in Oh the places you'll go!
A clusterfuck of words
My mind runs around like it is batshit crazy. Sometimes it's faster than superluminosity. It can run around in circles for hours, weeks, months even. Eventually something spits out the end. Or not, and the circles start again.
When I try to explain what it is like to be like me I produce a clusterfuck of words (usually that's because if
you could take a picture of what it is like inside my head it would be like the schematic for a tag cloud - random words and phrases scattered all over the place). I cannot get it to make sense. Not even to me. It is only when I talk to someone else who works like me that I am relieved for I know I am not alone. For me, though, this is normal. This is how I have always been. I would like to stop living in my head but I don't know how to. Furthermore, I don't understand how others are NOT in the same space. No wonder they have space in their brain to recall actors names and the roles they played, movie titles, TV series and story lines from books! I seem to have space enough to mostly remember to buy milk on the way home (but only because I have put a reminder in my calendar and timed it to go off as I am walking from my desk to my car. And again when I am likely to be at the intersection where I turn right to go home and left to go to the shops).
I used to be so ashamed of the way I am. However, I have spent a long time trying to learn to accept it for what it is and develop some skills for turning it off; even for short periods of time.
When I try to explain what it is like to be like me I produce a clusterfuck of words (usually that's because if
I used to be so ashamed of the way I am. However, I have spent a long time trying to learn to accept it for what it is and develop some skills for turning it off; even for short periods of time.
(wo)Man in the mirror
I have, and continue to, work hard on my issues. I have bravely faced my demons and at least reduced them in size. I have plodded along with life as best as I can. I try to remain positive and hopeful but event after event has me falling to my knees again. I persistently pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, tend to my wounds and walk on. Pressing ever forward to try to find a space where I can just be. A place where I am comfortable in my own skin; where I can look into the mirror and be proud of the person looking back at me.
Thursday, 30 January 2014
Letting myself down
I am a complete and utter disappointment. My kids don't live with me. I have no career. I have no assets nor any way to earn money to attain assets. I am alone.
I am the definition of loser. And I am trapped here. No escape. No hope. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing. Nil. Naught.
I am the definition of loser. And I am trapped here. No escape. No hope. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing. Nil. Naught.
Wednesday, 29 January 2014
Empty heart
I want to pour my heart out; emptying it of all it's contents. Then I want to scrub it clean, disinfect it with bleach and dry it in the hot summer sun. I am filled with pain. It washes over me like the incoming tide. Unrelenting. The sadness I feel affects every facet of my life. I ache with it. It is consuming me; cancerous, infecting every cell.
Yet I plaster a smile on my made up face, pretending to the world that all is well. Meanwhile there is a war raging inside me and I am collapsing like a rotten apple with an intact skin.
Yet I plaster a smile on my made up face, pretending to the world that all is well. Meanwhile there is a war raging inside me and I am collapsing like a rotten apple with an intact skin.
Tuesday, 28 January 2014
Dream big
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Self love
Self love. No, not the kind where we're thankful that our arms are long enough to reach the fun bits but truly accepting oneself for who we are and making no exceptions or apologies for it.
This has been my challenge for the last couple of years and I think I am finally making progress. Events of 2014 have shaken me to my core but it turns out my core is stronger than I realised. I have been floored, heartbroken and shattered with sadness but I am not a continual blubbering mess. In fact, while I have been on the verge of tears, I have not cried at all. I have managed to pick myself up and go to work, get to the gym and even cook a few meals. For me that is a huge display of self love. Instead of going on a bender when my heart was torn, I went for a walk, did my washing and addressed some outstanding emails. While drinking and dancing would have been more fun I know that if I do so when I am sad the after effects are long lasting. Instead, I focused on self care and pulled through much faster. I was even blessed to chat to a cherished friend in Ireland; something I would have missed if I was on the dance floor.
Self love, to me, is showing respect for oneself. I wouldn't try to comfort a sad friend by dancing in front of them. I would sit with them, talk it through, hold them and stay with them until they felt strong enough to stand alone. I have just started to treat myself the way I treat others.
Through self love I have learned to accept myself, flaws and all. The perfectionist in me is seeking continual improvement but for a few fundamental attributes I know I cannot change. They are hard wired in and part of the fabric of who I am.
Through self love I am setting boundaries for others. Not expectations or demands but I am no longer allowing other people to run all over me. I am getting better at saying no. I still over accommodate for others, I will always be generous, I remain thoughtful and compassionate. But I will not let people put me in a place where I am unhappy. Self loathing is a state of habit for me that I have spent the last two years clawing myself away from. I will no longer do things that put me back in that place. I am worth it.
I want to get to the point where I can sleep at night again. I know that my insomnia is a result of inner turmoil, pain, rejection, loneliness and guilt. I know that only I control the way I feel about things but I need to live my life with authenticity. I need to be in keeping with the things I value (truth and loyalty).
I ran myself into the ground for a decade trying to please a man who could not be pleased and I nearly fell into that trap again. Thankfully I am in a better place and able to stand up for myself.
This has been my challenge for the last couple of years and I think I am finally making progress. Events of 2014 have shaken me to my core but it turns out my core is stronger than I realised. I have been floored, heartbroken and shattered with sadness but I am not a continual blubbering mess. In fact, while I have been on the verge of tears, I have not cried at all. I have managed to pick myself up and go to work, get to the gym and even cook a few meals. For me that is a huge display of self love. Instead of going on a bender when my heart was torn, I went for a walk, did my washing and addressed some outstanding emails. While drinking and dancing would have been more fun I know that if I do so when I am sad the after effects are long lasting. Instead, I focused on self care and pulled through much faster. I was even blessed to chat to a cherished friend in Ireland; something I would have missed if I was on the dance floor.
Self love, to me, is showing respect for oneself. I wouldn't try to comfort a sad friend by dancing in front of them. I would sit with them, talk it through, hold them and stay with them until they felt strong enough to stand alone. I have just started to treat myself the way I treat others.
Through self love I have learned to accept myself, flaws and all. The perfectionist in me is seeking continual improvement but for a few fundamental attributes I know I cannot change. They are hard wired in and part of the fabric of who I am.
Through self love I am setting boundaries for others. Not expectations or demands but I am no longer allowing other people to run all over me. I am getting better at saying no. I still over accommodate for others, I will always be generous, I remain thoughtful and compassionate. But I will not let people put me in a place where I am unhappy. Self loathing is a state of habit for me that I have spent the last two years clawing myself away from. I will no longer do things that put me back in that place. I am worth it.
I want to get to the point where I can sleep at night again. I know that my insomnia is a result of inner turmoil, pain, rejection, loneliness and guilt. I know that only I control the way I feel about things but I need to live my life with authenticity. I need to be in keeping with the things I value (truth and loyalty).
I ran myself into the ground for a decade trying to please a man who could not be pleased and I nearly fell into that trap again. Thankfully I am in a better place and able to stand up for myself.
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Happiness
Happiness is found in moments in life. It is not a state of being. Happiness is slow dancing with someone you love, cocktails with friends, tongue kissing, a patch of sunshine on your lunch break, a cup of tea, a hug, snuggling with your children and listening to your favourite song.
I came across a great quote "Happiness is something you decide ahead of time". Thus pertaining that happiness depends on how you arrange your mind. I chose to align my mind with my heart; full of compassion and honest happiness.
My life is not perfect. No one's is. I don't live with my children; my Dad is terminally ill; I don't have secure employment; I struggle to pay my bills; I am financially overcommitted for the next twelve years; my mum is heartbroken... The list goes on. We all have shit to deal with. Some more than others but no one is immune.
I will not fake happiness though. Someone told me recently that I have a nice smile and that I should smile more often. My smiles are precious jewels; you need to earn them. I will not give them away lightly and I will not pretend to be happy when I am sadder than I ever have been.
I came across a great quote "Happiness is something you decide ahead of time". Thus pertaining that happiness depends on how you arrange your mind. I chose to align my mind with my heart; full of compassion and honest happiness.
My life is not perfect. No one's is. I don't live with my children; my Dad is terminally ill; I don't have secure employment; I struggle to pay my bills; I am financially overcommitted for the next twelve years; my mum is heartbroken... The list goes on. We all have shit to deal with. Some more than others but no one is immune.
I will not fake happiness though. Someone told me recently that I have a nice smile and that I should smile more often. My smiles are precious jewels; you need to earn them. I will not give them away lightly and I will not pretend to be happy when I am sadder than I ever have been.
Cognitive dissodance
I found out that there's this thing called cognitive dissodance which is where you freak out because a strongly held belief is challenged with new evidence.
Like I said to my dear friend - just fucking let me live God dammit!
Like I said to my dear friend - just fucking let me live God dammit!
Stripped bare
While walking at Wilson's Prom there were a number of dead trees that remain standing following the 2009 bush fires. They reminded me of me. Burnt, stripped bare and dead inside but still standing; for no reason other than to mar the beautiful surrounds and ruin the view.
Hiking is not for children
In fact, hiking should just not be a thing. Apparently people enjoy it but I just don't get it. Dirt and gook and stuff with wildlife, weather and other crazy people. I don't get the appeal. But I do it because my son loves it. Today we went on a hike at Wilson's Prom. It was not a huge hike but it was 35 degrees and I ended up being packhorse and carrying all three backpacks and my seven year old daughter. Needless to say, I am a little pooped this evening. I have the joy of washing towels and bathers to boot. But my son had a ball and thanked me about eight times when I dropped him off so it's totally worth it.
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Sunday, 26 January 2014
Stealing happiness
This morning as I made my bed, dreaming of the yellow doona cover I will one day own and I was struck by an epiphany. All the little things that bring me joy - yellow, dresses, small Tupperware containers, funky glasses, cocktails and vodka, hugs and kisses, dancing and yoga, seeing my family and friends and having a clean house were the exact things my ex slowly took away from me. He held physical affection to ransom and set such unrealistic expectations that I could never attain. I worked myself, literally, sick. I tried so hard for so many years but it was never enough.
I've had my rebellion. I drank too much, bought too many things and danced well into the morning. I am slowly finding balance. I have found my boundaries and try to maintain them. I have my little things that make me happy - my pretty dresses and jewels, my oversized tea cup, my (somewhat) organised and (mainly) clean home. I can drink and dance. I do yoga. I wear flowers in my hair and eat pasta for lunch. I still have hugs and kisses to give but I just have to hold onto them for now. Until the right person comes along. Someone deserving. Someone who will give back to me. Someone who will freely love me, without obligation or constraints. Someone who will tongue kiss me at the bar, who will wrap me in his arms when I am cold and who will want to hold onto me all night long. I am in need of adoration. Not the icky dependent kind but the honest, authentic type. Unasked and unashamed. I need someone who is proud of me; not someone who has hurdles I need to jump over in order to be deserving of their affection. I want him to smile when I walk in the room; shows me off to his friends and protects me from the evils of the world. I just want to feel safe and secure. I want to be able to breathe. I want to keep my happy things and share them with someone. I don't care whether that someone likes them or not. They just need to be willing to accept them and love me in spite if my quirkiness. I am tired of fighting for every little thing. I need am ally who will share my happy things rather that steal them.
Awash with pain
I am so relieved that I managed to sleep for a couple of hours tonight as I was at the point where I was no longer safe on the roads. However, I had many disturbing dreams in that time which I don't care to think about. I have been lying awake for a while and have decided to get up so I don't disturb the kids while they sleep. When I am in this state I usually try to stay in bed and keep electronic devices off so as to encourage sleep.
I went for a long walk with the kids, a dear friend and her children yesterday. In that time we were talking about things unrelated to me and a couple of things she said resonated with me. I am awash with pain at the moment. I have been in this state of loss and raw realisation since New Year's Day. It's not pretty and I don't like it. I feel simultaneously numb and cold while at the same time everything hurts.
I put on a facade for the rest of the world. I plaster a smile on my face. I get up each day and face the shit. At the same time I am being torn apart from the inside. Hope is a nasty little thing that infects every fibre of your being. When you want something as wholeheartedly as I do; hope is all you have. On the flip side of that is reality which just fucking sucks, to be honest. I feel like I am tethered. I am being kept on a leash as a fallback position. I am no one's first choice. I wish that didn't bother me but it really does.
Deep down I am no different to anyone else. I want to love and be loved. I want to adore and be adored. I want to be free and give freedom. I want to share and receive. I want to have fun and divulge my deepest dreams. I crave a deep connection with someone.
Right now I am awash with pain. My carrot is being held just beyond arms reach and, though I fear it is never going to be available to me, I keep chasing it. I keep reaching out in the vain hope that I can obtain it. The reality is that the carrot is an illusion. There is no carrot. Only pain. So much pain. My heart weighs heavily inside me. My breath is shallow and ineffective. My head pounds. Every moment is a reminder that I am just no good.
Not only am I not good enough but I am stubbornly holding onto something that was probably never there in the first place. I am clutching tight to fantasy. I grab hold of sand and expecting it to stay in my hand rather than slip through between my fingers.
Time is meant to heal all wounds. My wise son said to me on Friday "Mum, when you are as sad as you are all you can do is wait until the pain is ready to go. You cannot force it away". This just seems to be getting worse. It's been twenty six days and I feel like I am being dragged along coarse grade sandpaper. Every part of me hurts. I am consumed by pain and, like the incoming tide, life continues to unrelentingly pound me with more.
I went for a long walk with the kids, a dear friend and her children yesterday. In that time we were talking about things unrelated to me and a couple of things she said resonated with me. I am awash with pain at the moment. I have been in this state of loss and raw realisation since New Year's Day. It's not pretty and I don't like it. I feel simultaneously numb and cold while at the same time everything hurts.
I put on a facade for the rest of the world. I plaster a smile on my face. I get up each day and face the shit. At the same time I am being torn apart from the inside. Hope is a nasty little thing that infects every fibre of your being. When you want something as wholeheartedly as I do; hope is all you have. On the flip side of that is reality which just fucking sucks, to be honest. I feel like I am tethered. I am being kept on a leash as a fallback position. I am no one's first choice. I wish that didn't bother me but it really does.
Deep down I am no different to anyone else. I want to love and be loved. I want to adore and be adored. I want to be free and give freedom. I want to share and receive. I want to have fun and divulge my deepest dreams. I crave a deep connection with someone.
Right now I am awash with pain. My carrot is being held just beyond arms reach and, though I fear it is never going to be available to me, I keep chasing it. I keep reaching out in the vain hope that I can obtain it. The reality is that the carrot is an illusion. There is no carrot. Only pain. So much pain. My heart weighs heavily inside me. My breath is shallow and ineffective. My head pounds. Every moment is a reminder that I am just no good.
Not only am I not good enough but I am stubbornly holding onto something that was probably never there in the first place. I am clutching tight to fantasy. I grab hold of sand and expecting it to stay in my hand rather than slip through between my fingers.
Time is meant to heal all wounds. My wise son said to me on Friday "Mum, when you are as sad as you are all you can do is wait until the pain is ready to go. You cannot force it away". This just seems to be getting worse. It's been twenty six days and I feel like I am being dragged along coarse grade sandpaper. Every part of me hurts. I am consumed by pain and, like the incoming tide, life continues to unrelentingly pound me with more.
Friday, 24 January 2014
Running anger
There are two emotions ruling my state of being at the moment - fear and anger. Fear of the unknown; the unchartered waters ahead. Fear of rejection. Fear of not being good enough. Fear that I am unloveable. And anger. So much anger. All pointed internally. Mostly because I have made so many mistakes. Some repeatedly. I just cannot seem to get anything right.
I am in such a shitful place. To ad insult to injury I inadvertently pissed my sister off yesterday and now she's not talking to me. I've lost one of my strongest and most reliable allies because I was trying to help and missed the mark. Again. I have the best of intentions but I just keep fucking up. I am so fucking sick of this shit.
It seems like I have nothing positive in my life. And to top it off I cannot sleep. I sneak an hour or so a night. I am tired. So very, very tired.
I am emotionally worn out. I no longer give a shit. I am so heavy-hearted at the moment but I don't cry. Ever. For someone who cries in touching commercials, this is not normal. Physically I am a mess too. My hair has started to fall out, my nails have stopped growing and are all split and/or broken, I can barely walk today because my arse is so sore, I have has a pounding headache since Monday, my knee throbs and my shoulder keeps popping out of its socket. I am an all round mess. Internally and externally. As my mother says, my life is fucked up and getting more so every day.
I am in such a shitful place. To ad insult to injury I inadvertently pissed my sister off yesterday and now she's not talking to me. I've lost one of my strongest and most reliable allies because I was trying to help and missed the mark. Again. I have the best of intentions but I just keep fucking up. I am so fucking sick of this shit.
It seems like I have nothing positive in my life. And to top it off I cannot sleep. I sneak an hour or so a night. I am tired. So very, very tired.
I am emotionally worn out. I no longer give a shit. I am so heavy-hearted at the moment but I don't cry. Ever. For someone who cries in touching commercials, this is not normal. Physically I am a mess too. My hair has started to fall out, my nails have stopped growing and are all split and/or broken, I can barely walk today because my arse is so sore, I have has a pounding headache since Monday, my knee throbs and my shoulder keeps popping out of its socket. I am an all round mess. Internally and externally. As my mother says, my life is fucked up and getting more so every day.
Nature Frinspiration
Despite being sadder than sad this has brought a smile to my face. The pure wonder of nature. Just so beautiful.
Thursday, 23 January 2014
You should be dancin'
Thursday is dancing night. I skipped it again this week because I am just too sad. I have such a heavy heart. I feel burdened with the weight of life. I am trapped and unable to find my way out. There have been a sequence of events this year that have seen me loathing myself with new found gusto.
Time for me to fly
This was sent to me by my oldest and dearest friend. Listen. Soak. Then watch me spread my wings and fly. Enough. I've had enough of the heaviness inside me. I have had enough of the negative. I have had enough of it all.
I pity the people in my life. I have no fucks to give. I have nothing to give. I'm flying and that's all I have.
I pity the people in my life. I have no fucks to give. I have nothing to give. I'm flying and that's all I have.
Push me
People pushing me away has made me stronger. I rely on no one. I would like to share my life with someone but I am no longer chasing that. I have no fight left.
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
Trying not to make everything harder
I have a terrible habit of self sabotage. I tend to push away or defer the very things that I want because I fear failure.
I am going to try not to make my life any harder than it needs to be. Starting right now. Instead of staying up and filling my time with meaningless shit, I am going to have a shower and go to bed in the hope that I can sleep tonight. Dear God, please let me sleep.
I am going to try not to make my life any harder than it needs to be. Starting right now. Instead of staying up and filling my time with meaningless shit, I am going to have a shower and go to bed in the hope that I can sleep tonight. Dear God, please let me sleep.
Insight from the outside
I saw my psychologist for the first time in eight months this morning. It was an interesting reunion; like meeting an old friend. He reassured me that it's no surprise that I find life a struggle. I have had trauma in my life that has scarred me and I have develop a hard shell as a protective mechanism. Apparently I have a facade that I present and my psychologist wants me to smash it down. He wants me to expose my vulnerabilities and bring down my walls. He seems to think that I won't attract quality people (read men) into my life until I do.
I am scared. Not only do I have no idea how to deconstruct the walls I have taken decades to build; I am so fearful that, even if I do succeed at this mammoth task ahead of me, I will find that the truth is that I am unloveable; unworthy of care and deep affection; that I'm just a "pretty" face. That I am truly ugly on the inside.
I am scared. Not only do I have no idea how to deconstruct the walls I have taken decades to build; I am so fearful that, even if I do succeed at this mammoth task ahead of me, I will find that the truth is that I am unloveable; unworthy of care and deep affection; that I'm just a "pretty" face. That I am truly ugly on the inside.
Tuesday, 21 January 2014
Monday, 20 January 2014
Harmony
I am so blessed to have wonderful friends in my life. I may not be loved but, man, am I loved!! I get such rich feedback from my writing from my friends. One in particular is not afraid to point out my failings in the most raw, tactful and loving ways. She is my mirror. She reflects on what I write and provides me with her thoughts on my writing; my expression of what's going on in my life. She's never wrong and I love that she has the strength, compassion and empathy to pull me up on my shit. I know she says what she does because she cares and I never have to worry about offending her with my responses because she gets that my life is fucked but in the most beautiful and gracious ways she steers me to light.
I am even further thankful that she has a restless but and chats to me via text at obscure times. I feel guilty about it because I would prefer that she had a daughter that let her sleep easily but she is so often able to show me the silver lining and for that I am truly thankful.
This morning she has again provided me with some reflections on the focus of my writing and, as usual, she is right. In her succinct way, she has made me see that my focus is very narrowed on a relationship and that I am in need of harmony. I agree.
I see the two reasons I focus on relationships. Firstly, because that was my ultimate failing. Leaving my marriage was the only promise I have ever broken. And it was a huge promise to break. It brings me a great deal of guilt because it not only affected my relationship with my ex but all my relationships. Secondly because people are exceptionally important to me. I am a social being and a people pleaser. Relationships are my focus because the people in my life are a reflection of who I am. I am so delighted that through my shitful experiences of the last few years I have found and nurtured some solid and fantastically important relationships. They have depth, mutual respect and love.
In the past I lived for others. My struggle now is finding the right balance of living for me and doing for others. My naturally generous nature means that I do many things for other people that make my life extremely more difficult than it needs to be.
Saying no has never been my strength. It is one of the things I am working on and is fundamental to achieving harmony. I have spent a great deal of time assessing my values and beliefs and setting boundaries centred around them that I now try to live by. I have let people walk all over me in the past. In order to prevent that from happening in the future I have assessed what matters to me and I try to make sure that I don't let people overstep those boundaries.
It would be easy to mistake that as expectations. However, I expect nothing from anyone. Not my mother, sister, cousin or friends. I have no expectations on anyone. But I do have boundaries. No longer are people allowed to walk all over me. You overstep my boundaries and I will let you know, in no uncertain terms. For those people who have been in my life for a long time this can be very confronting. Generally speaking, people don't change. When they do it can be upsetting. I've had people insist that I am on drugs, that I am mentally unwell and that I have made a huge mistake. I know the truth. I am not addicted to anything. I just don't have that kind of personality. I have multiple vices and use them according to my mood. Alcohol is one such vice but I can easily go weeks without drinking. The closest I get to addiction is exercise but I have so many different things that I never focus on one and get different things out if all of them - gym makes me feel strong and capable, walking brings me clarity, yoga brings me peace, running is my endorphin rush and dance soothes my soul.
For me, harmony is achieved when you can just be. Like the great Dalai Lama says, I am anxious when I am thinking if the future, depressed when I think about the past but I am at peace when I live in the present. My peace will come when I achieve balance in my life and can just be. I have my ups and downs, like anyone on the roller coaster of life but I am moving towards balance. The scales have tipped from me living only for other to include more time when I live for me. I am determined to get there, it is just a much longer and more difficult journey than I had envisaged.
I am even further thankful that she has a restless but and chats to me via text at obscure times. I feel guilty about it because I would prefer that she had a daughter that let her sleep easily but she is so often able to show me the silver lining and for that I am truly thankful.
This morning she has again provided me with some reflections on the focus of my writing and, as usual, she is right. In her succinct way, she has made me see that my focus is very narrowed on a relationship and that I am in need of harmony. I agree.
I see the two reasons I focus on relationships. Firstly, because that was my ultimate failing. Leaving my marriage was the only promise I have ever broken. And it was a huge promise to break. It brings me a great deal of guilt because it not only affected my relationship with my ex but all my relationships. Secondly because people are exceptionally important to me. I am a social being and a people pleaser. Relationships are my focus because the people in my life are a reflection of who I am. I am so delighted that through my shitful experiences of the last few years I have found and nurtured some solid and fantastically important relationships. They have depth, mutual respect and love.
In the past I lived for others. My struggle now is finding the right balance of living for me and doing for others. My naturally generous nature means that I do many things for other people that make my life extremely more difficult than it needs to be.
Saying no has never been my strength. It is one of the things I am working on and is fundamental to achieving harmony. I have spent a great deal of time assessing my values and beliefs and setting boundaries centred around them that I now try to live by. I have let people walk all over me in the past. In order to prevent that from happening in the future I have assessed what matters to me and I try to make sure that I don't let people overstep those boundaries.
It would be easy to mistake that as expectations. However, I expect nothing from anyone. Not my mother, sister, cousin or friends. I have no expectations on anyone. But I do have boundaries. No longer are people allowed to walk all over me. You overstep my boundaries and I will let you know, in no uncertain terms. For those people who have been in my life for a long time this can be very confronting. Generally speaking, people don't change. When they do it can be upsetting. I've had people insist that I am on drugs, that I am mentally unwell and that I have made a huge mistake. I know the truth. I am not addicted to anything. I just don't have that kind of personality. I have multiple vices and use them according to my mood. Alcohol is one such vice but I can easily go weeks without drinking. The closest I get to addiction is exercise but I have so many different things that I never focus on one and get different things out if all of them - gym makes me feel strong and capable, walking brings me clarity, yoga brings me peace, running is my endorphin rush and dance soothes my soul.
For me, harmony is achieved when you can just be. Like the great Dalai Lama says, I am anxious when I am thinking if the future, depressed when I think about the past but I am at peace when I live in the present. My peace will come when I achieve balance in my life and can just be. I have my ups and downs, like anyone on the roller coaster of life but I am moving towards balance. The scales have tipped from me living only for other to include more time when I live for me. I am determined to get there, it is just a much longer and more difficult journey than I had envisaged.
Sunday, 19 January 2014
I'm a freak
I have not slept this year. I am surviving on ten, maybe twenty minutes a night. My mind is in overdrive again and I can't slow it down. All my usual vices are not helping. So tonight I tried something new. I, once again, tried to join the realm of normal people by having a bath. After what felt like an hour the bath was finally at a suitable depth and temperature. My sister, bless her, gave me a beauty pack for Christmas which contained bath bombs so I dropped one of them in and watched it effervesce as I stripped off.
One of the reasons I hate baths is that the naked stillness is, quite honestly, terrifying. I'm a size six to eight. I work out and I try to eat well but there is nothing I like about my body. Bathing, therefore is not a relaxing pursuit. Positive attitude! The bath needs to work as I am entering the world of cranky tired which does not bode well for the people that share any space with me. This includes driving on my roads, going to my gym, shopping in my supermarket, living in my street, working in my building or, quite frankly, just being a citizen of earth. Drastic measures are required. I must sleep tonight!
So, I tried to distract myself by reading an extract from the Sunday paper (i.e. some meaningless shit) but that was not very effective as my mind wanders too easily and it was not worthy of my full attention. After about half an hour the water was getting cold (probably about forty degrees) and I was painfully aware that, although I had a shower directly before filling the bath, I was wallowing in my own filth. Another shower and I felt clean enough to go to bed.
I am roasty toasty warm as I crawl into bed. My head is pounding, my heartbeat erratic and my eyes bloodshot from fatigue. Every muscle aches. My head hits the pillow and I reach over to turn off the lamp. Then I close my eyes, ready for sleep to take over. Nothing. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. The pain in my head is so bad it feels like my brain is swirling in my skull. All external sounds are muted. My burning eyes start to water. I refuse to open them though. Sleep will come. Sleep will come. Sleep will come.
But it turns out that sleep does not know where I am, perhaps sleep lost my address or is just too busy with someone else. Or perhaps it's that sleep is just not what my body needs now. Perhaps what it needs is to try to process all the issues and to do that it needs me awake. Perhaps an epiphany is just around the corner.
One of the reasons I hate baths is that the naked stillness is, quite honestly, terrifying. I'm a size six to eight. I work out and I try to eat well but there is nothing I like about my body. Bathing, therefore is not a relaxing pursuit. Positive attitude! The bath needs to work as I am entering the world of cranky tired which does not bode well for the people that share any space with me. This includes driving on my roads, going to my gym, shopping in my supermarket, living in my street, working in my building or, quite frankly, just being a citizen of earth. Drastic measures are required. I must sleep tonight!
So, I tried to distract myself by reading an extract from the Sunday paper (i.e. some meaningless shit) but that was not very effective as my mind wanders too easily and it was not worthy of my full attention. After about half an hour the water was getting cold (probably about forty degrees) and I was painfully aware that, although I had a shower directly before filling the bath, I was wallowing in my own filth. Another shower and I felt clean enough to go to bed.
I am roasty toasty warm as I crawl into bed. My head is pounding, my heartbeat erratic and my eyes bloodshot from fatigue. Every muscle aches. My head hits the pillow and I reach over to turn off the lamp. Then I close my eyes, ready for sleep to take over. Nothing. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. The pain in my head is so bad it feels like my brain is swirling in my skull. All external sounds are muted. My burning eyes start to water. I refuse to open them though. Sleep will come. Sleep will come. Sleep will come.
But it turns out that sleep does not know where I am, perhaps sleep lost my address or is just too busy with someone else. Or perhaps it's that sleep is just not what my body needs now. Perhaps what it needs is to try to process all the issues and to do that it needs me awake. Perhaps an epiphany is just around the corner.
Spending love
I am embarrassed to admit it but I have been touched by One Direction lyrics. I know. Shoot me now! But the line "I give her hope; I spend her love until she's broke inside" resonates so strongly with me. Being a generous person, people tend to take advantage of me.
Do mosquitoes get full?
Among the random wanderings of my mind tonight are two perplexing questions. Do mosquitoes get full? And where do they go to when you turn on the light?
There is a mosquito in my room. I'm pretty sure it's just the one. It has bitten me (sucked on my blood; it's not technically a bite) about 428 times. Surely withbthat amount of blood in its systen its guts are so full he can leave me alone?
Every time I turn on the light to kill the fucker he disappears. Where does he go to?
There is a mosquito in my room. I'm pretty sure it's just the one. It has bitten me (sucked on my blood; it's not technically a bite) about 428 times. Surely withbthat amount of blood in its systen its guts are so full he can leave me alone?
Every time I turn on the light to kill the fucker he disappears. Where does he go to?
Saturday, 18 January 2014
Breakfast. The meal of kings
I went to Small Town Bakery on High Street in Kew today. After my seventeenth sleepless night I felt I needed some TLC. For me, that's food made by someone else.
Small Town Bakery is a quaint little artisan bakery with fresh flowers on every table and a selection of cakes, gourmet rolls (pulled pork, avo and chicken breast), a limited breakfast menu and the obligatory coffee. Not one to bow to obligation (plus, I don't drink coffee) I had a hot chocolate (you can have your choice of milk or dark) and smashed avo on sourdough toast. And it was the best I have ever had. The avo was ripe, the tomatoes full of flavour and just enough basil to add taste without overpowering the dish and seasoned perfectly with salt and freshly cracked pepper. It was so delicious that I ate it all.
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While I don't feel nourished like I had hoped I am full. So. Fucking. Full.
Small Town Bakery is a quaint little artisan bakery with fresh flowers on every table and a selection of cakes, gourmet rolls (pulled pork, avo and chicken breast), a limited breakfast menu and the obligatory coffee. Not one to bow to obligation (plus, I don't drink coffee) I had a hot chocolate (you can have your choice of milk or dark) and smashed avo on sourdough toast. And it was the best I have ever had. The avo was ripe, the tomatoes full of flavour and just enough basil to add taste without overpowering the dish and seasoned perfectly with salt and freshly cracked pepper. It was so delicious that I ate it all.
While I don't feel nourished like I had hoped I am full. So. Fucking. Full.
Hellish start
I have had the worst start to any year. Ever. I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. With each day I think things can't get worse. But they do. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.
While I am grateful for so many things - my adorable children, my gorgeous family, my home and my dependable, delightful friends. I feel like I am being torn apart. Slowly ripped to pieces then each if those pieces frozen and shattered into a million little shards.
I miss my kids. Enough said. It's too traumatic for me to think about how trapped and useless I feel about this.
I have no money to travel and no way to make any so I can. For the next eleven years I am trapped. I'll be nearly fifty by then. It's just too fucked up for words.
Single life does not appeal to me. I love love. I like to cherish someone special. I love holding hands, tongue kissing, long leisurely cuddles and sleeping wrapped up with my man. I miss sex. I like sharing my thoughts with someone I value. But I am not the kind of person that can pick up at a bar or nightclub. There's no way I am strong enough to handle the trials and tribulations of online dating either. So I am destined to be alone.
My Dad has a terminal illness and the end is getting closer. Understandably, Mum is really struggling I want to be able to help her but she's too proud to accept it. She's so generous with everyone else I just want to nurture her.
I am playing a game of legal tennis that I can ill afford.
I am falling apart physically. I have damaged my gluteus medius and cannot afford all the associated medical expenses to fix it, my front tooth is chipped and in need of repair, my hair doesn't grow and has started falling out in great chunks again, my nails break too easily and I am losing the skin on my nose from blowing it so much.
I can't sleep. So, I succumbed to the pressure and I took a sleeping tablet last night. It had the opposite to the desired effect and I found myself walking at three in the morning to try to quiet my mind. And sweat! Wow. Four showers later and I think I have all the salt off.
None of my usual vices are working - dance, music, friends, family, walking or yoga. I feel everything but nothing simultaneously.
Thursday is dancing night. I didn't go dancing last week and forced myself to go this week to fulfil a promise I made. I'm just not feeling it since New Years. I don't feel free like I used to when I dance. I just feel like old milk - sour and past my expiry date.
I'm tired of being a fighter. Just let me live!
As I water the gorgeous garden of the house I am looking after while dear friends are holidaying I realise there is no hope.
I had such grand hopes for 2014.
While I am grateful for so many things - my adorable children, my gorgeous family, my home and my dependable, delightful friends. I feel like I am being torn apart. Slowly ripped to pieces then each if those pieces frozen and shattered into a million little shards.
I miss my kids. Enough said. It's too traumatic for me to think about how trapped and useless I feel about this.
I have no money to travel and no way to make any so I can. For the next eleven years I am trapped. I'll be nearly fifty by then. It's just too fucked up for words.
Single life does not appeal to me. I love love. I like to cherish someone special. I love holding hands, tongue kissing, long leisurely cuddles and sleeping wrapped up with my man. I miss sex. I like sharing my thoughts with someone I value. But I am not the kind of person that can pick up at a bar or nightclub. There's no way I am strong enough to handle the trials and tribulations of online dating either. So I am destined to be alone.
My Dad has a terminal illness and the end is getting closer. Understandably, Mum is really struggling I want to be able to help her but she's too proud to accept it. She's so generous with everyone else I just want to nurture her.
I am playing a game of legal tennis that I can ill afford.
I am falling apart physically. I have damaged my gluteus medius and cannot afford all the associated medical expenses to fix it, my front tooth is chipped and in need of repair, my hair doesn't grow and has started falling out in great chunks again, my nails break too easily and I am losing the skin on my nose from blowing it so much.
I can't sleep. So, I succumbed to the pressure and I took a sleeping tablet last night. It had the opposite to the desired effect and I found myself walking at three in the morning to try to quiet my mind. And sweat! Wow. Four showers later and I think I have all the salt off.
None of my usual vices are working - dance, music, friends, family, walking or yoga. I feel everything but nothing simultaneously.
Thursday is dancing night. I didn't go dancing last week and forced myself to go this week to fulfil a promise I made. I'm just not feeling it since New Years. I don't feel free like I used to when I dance. I just feel like old milk - sour and past my expiry date.
I'm tired of being a fighter. Just let me live!
As I water the gorgeous garden of the house I am looking after while dear friends are holidaying I realise there is no hope.
I had such grand hopes for 2014.
Friday, 17 January 2014
The best Betty
No, not Betty Crocker (though that woman can bake!). Tis Betty White. Today she's 92.
I love Betty White, she is one of my favourite women. Not least because of her vagina quote ("Why do people say 'grow some balls'? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really want to get tough grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding!") but also because she is unashamedly herself. When her second husband died she responded to a question about remarrying with "Once you've had the best who needs the rest".
I like Betty White. She is a wise woman.
I love Betty White, she is one of my favourite women. Not least because of her vagina quote ("Why do people say 'grow some balls'? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really want to get tough grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding!") but also because she is unashamedly herself. When her second husband died she responded to a question about remarrying with "Once you've had the best who needs the rest".
I like Betty White. She is a wise woman.
Thursday, 16 January 2014
Wednesday, 15 January 2014
Be brave
To me, bravery is doing the right thing even if it is difficult and means that you lose out
Monday, 13 January 2014
Focus shift
While running after work I tried something my psychologist taught me. I tried to find evidence against my ex. So, while sweating my way around the block I came up with this. In my life six men have, quite seriously, asked me to marry them. Add another nine if you count drunk friends and friends after I was already married. That's fifteen men that have seen something in me worth holding onto. That'll do for today
What if it's me
I had a thought today at work. What if the problem is me? What if I am the rotten piece of meat?
I had two abusive relationships in a row; the first physical the second emotional. What if that's what I deserve? What if that is the best I can get? What if he's right and I am fundamentally flawed to the point where I am unloveable in a healthy and respectful way?
I had two abusive relationships in a row; the first physical the second emotional. What if that's what I deserve? What if that is the best I can get? What if he's right and I am fundamentally flawed to the point where I am unloveable in a healthy and respectful way?
Fine line
There is a fine line between acceptance and giving up. Not sure which one I am on at the moment
Sunday, 12 January 2014
Get thy shit together
The events of 2014 have made me realise just how unattractive a mate I would make. I have done a lot of work in the last two years but I still have a long way to go.
So, I have focused on getting my shit together. I have paid to have my resume updated and made a plan to save so I can study for PRINCE2 qualifications. While I hate gardening with a passion, I have spent countless hours working outside so it is easier to maintain. After much research and some dedicated saving I am now the proud owner of a wipper snipper. I even have a pruning saw and a set of secateurs (and am much less likely to take out an eye on the old branches that used to stick out over the lawn). I have relocated the outdoor umbrella to give the kids more space to ride their scooters. I have rearranged and cleaned out the shed.
I have filed away old paperwork and dealt with some (more) messy legal issues. I have cleaned out all the cupboards (an d now I have Eminem;s 'Cleaning out my Closet' stuck on repeat in my head) and donated a whole heap of shit I don't need or don't want.
The Christmas decorations have been put away. I have repaired a heap of clothing. I have bought new clothes and have been given some beautiful jewellery.
I am back into the routine of going to gym, albeit without my training partner of last year. I have stocked my fridge with fresh fruits and vegetables. I am drinking more water and spending more time in bed. I turn off electronic devices at midnight.
While all these changes do not guarantee that I will be more attractive to a man, they make me more attractive to me. And if it is only me that is happier with who I am? I'm okay with that!
So, I have focused on getting my shit together. I have paid to have my resume updated and made a plan to save so I can study for PRINCE2 qualifications. While I hate gardening with a passion, I have spent countless hours working outside so it is easier to maintain. After much research and some dedicated saving I am now the proud owner of a wipper snipper. I even have a pruning saw and a set of secateurs (and am much less likely to take out an eye on the old branches that used to stick out over the lawn). I have relocated the outdoor umbrella to give the kids more space to ride their scooters. I have rearranged and cleaned out the shed.
I have filed away old paperwork and dealt with some (more) messy legal issues. I have cleaned out all the cupboards (an d now I have Eminem;s 'Cleaning out my Closet' stuck on repeat in my head) and donated a whole heap of shit I don't need or don't want.
The Christmas decorations have been put away. I have repaired a heap of clothing. I have bought new clothes and have been given some beautiful jewellery.
I am back into the routine of going to gym, albeit without my training partner of last year. I have stocked my fridge with fresh fruits and vegetables. I am drinking more water and spending more time in bed. I turn off electronic devices at midnight.
While all these changes do not guarantee that I will be more attractive to a man, they make me more attractive to me. And if it is only me that is happier with who I am? I'm okay with that!
Saturday, 11 January 2014
Tired
I am tired. So, so very tired. I have not slept well for years. I lie in bed for hours but am down to about forty minutes of actual sleep a day. It makes me cranky. It makes me emotional. It makes me fragile and irrational. It makes me fearful.
I have been fighting for so long. For the love of my husband; for my career; for my safety; for greater custody of my children; for my friends; for myself. I am tired. I am just so tired. I want to crawl into a hole and sleep a dreamless sleep. For at least a week.
My body aches with pain. My heart feels like it is stuck in a bench vice. It is hard to breathe. My chest is heavy. My eyes burn.
I am just so, so tired.
I have been fighting for so long. For the love of my husband; for my career; for my safety; for greater custody of my children; for my friends; for myself. I am tired. I am just so tired. I want to crawl into a hole and sleep a dreamless sleep. For at least a week.
My body aches with pain. My heart feels like it is stuck in a bench vice. It is hard to breathe. My chest is heavy. My eyes burn.
I am just so, so tired.
The perfect fit
My sister and I watched "I give it a year" recently and it sparked a thought about compatibility. Finding someone who lets you be you, accepts you for who you are and likes you anyway is so, so rare. It is precious and should be treasured. I believe we don't place enough importance on things when they work. If they're broken they are screaming for attention but when they are good they tend to be taken advantage of , disrespected and left to die from complacency.
I think the pain of lost love, especially when it is with someone who fits, is accompanied and deepened by the fear that there will not be another person that will fit. Like your favourite tshirt that eventually dies and gets seconded to the garage for rag duties, it takes long time to find a replacement. Sometimes you never do. Sometimes you don't want to look because you know in your heart of hearts there is no one better.
My advice to those that have found someone who fits? Nurture it. Go on dates. Make an effort. Gerald Rogers is more eloquent than me so read this. He has some great advice.
I think the pain of lost love, especially when it is with someone who fits, is accompanied and deepened by the fear that there will not be another person that will fit. Like your favourite tshirt that eventually dies and gets seconded to the garage for rag duties, it takes long time to find a replacement. Sometimes you never do. Sometimes you don't want to look because you know in your heart of hearts there is no one better.
My advice to those that have found someone who fits? Nurture it. Go on dates. Make an effort. Gerald Rogers is more eloquent than me so read this. He has some great advice.
Fault finding
If someone has the mindset to look for your faults then that is all they will see. And there is naught you can do about it.
Living a life of uncertainty
There's nothing worse than not knowing. Uncertainty breeds fear. Fear is ugly.
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Cathartic pursuits
I hate to garden. I hate the smell. It makes me itch, my eyes get red and I get very frustrated.
I could never fish. Not only do I not eat fish I find it mind-numbingly boring.
I am no artist. I cannot draw or paint or sew or knit.
I am not patient enough for meditation but I do enjoy yoga.
I am trying to get back into reading.
I miss photography and have it on my list of things to do more of this year.
I drink tea. Slowly and deliberately.
And I write. I know that when I am prolific I have shit I need to sort out. So I work through it with writing. I just let the words flow without censorship. It's the cheapest therapy I know of.
I could never fish. Not only do I not eat fish I find it mind-numbingly boring.
I am no artist. I cannot draw or paint or sew or knit.
I am not patient enough for meditation but I do enjoy yoga.
I am trying to get back into reading.
I miss photography and have it on my list of things to do more of this year.
I drink tea. Slowly and deliberately.
And I write. I know that when I am prolific I have shit I need to sort out. So I work through it with writing. I just let the words flow without censorship. It's the cheapest therapy I know of.
For the love of sammiches
I make a mean sammich. I don't like the food I make (though others rave about it) but I am fond of my sammiches. A good sammich is all about fresh ingredients layered in a particular order on good bread. My personal favourite is avo (sliced not mashed), beetroot (dried on both sides on paper towel), salt, kumato, freshly ground pepper, mushroom (cored, peeled and sliced) and cheese. I will add lettuce (iceberg only) but only if it is not bitter or stringy which they have been both this year. Ideally the cheese will be quite thinly sliced; though cheese cutting is not my number one skill.
I love making sammiches. I believe all food should be made with love and the ingredient slicing and layering for sammiches gives so many opportunities to apply love.
I see an analogy between sammiches and people. Anyone can slap some ingredients together and call it lunch but it takes effort and planning to make a high quality sammich. Likewise, most people have all the required ingredients but for a rare few that are built specially. They are layered perfectly with quality ingredients and have real substance. They're the kind of people others are magnetically attracted to. People repeatedly go out of their way to spend time with these super humans because of the way they are wired. These people, like a good sammich, are rare and highly sought after. Two or three people at a time will be chasing them. They are spoilt for choice but rarely see it.
I love making sammiches. I believe all food should be made with love and the ingredient slicing and layering for sammiches gives so many opportunities to apply love.
I see an analogy between sammiches and people. Anyone can slap some ingredients together and call it lunch but it takes effort and planning to make a high quality sammich. Likewise, most people have all the required ingredients but for a rare few that are built specially. They are layered perfectly with quality ingredients and have real substance. They're the kind of people others are magnetically attracted to. People repeatedly go out of their way to spend time with these super humans because of the way they are wired. These people, like a good sammich, are rare and highly sought after. Two or three people at a time will be chasing them. They are spoilt for choice but rarely see it.
Rainbows
The experiences overnight reminded me of this quote.
Having children is like riding a surfboard on a rainbow - Jerry Seinfeld
When a good vom turns bad
My gorgeous daughter has been ill with a virus. What I thought was a one of vomit last night turned into hours of pain for her and cleaning for me.
She was stoic and so graceful as she coughed herself into a vomiting frenzy. I started to dry retch as I tried to keep her hair out of the foaming ball of mucus floating in fetid gastric juices. She was poised and so descriptive. "Mummy I feel the tinge of burning in my throat please get the bucket".
My son was a champ, carrying bags of paper towel soaked vomit to the outside bin and searching the pantry for baking powder to dry the carpet.
Despite that my poor little girl suffered for hours on end last night I am so proud of my babies. They are a cohesive unit and truly care for each other. As I lay here silently the morning after the great vom my children sleep peacefully next to each other. This is one of the true miracles of cosleeping. Though I feel into it out of necessity when my son was very young I am so thankful I persisted. I complain about being kicked in the back but it is all totally worth it when I see my children lying in the same position next to each other in blissful slumber.
The original good vom may have turned bad overnight but in the calm after the storm there is peace, love, empathy and compassion. I could ask for no more.
She was stoic and so graceful as she coughed herself into a vomiting frenzy. I started to dry retch as I tried to keep her hair out of the foaming ball of mucus floating in fetid gastric juices. She was poised and so descriptive. "Mummy I feel the tinge of burning in my throat please get the bucket".
My son was a champ, carrying bags of paper towel soaked vomit to the outside bin and searching the pantry for baking powder to dry the carpet.
Despite that my poor little girl suffered for hours on end last night I am so proud of my babies. They are a cohesive unit and truly care for each other. As I lay here silently the morning after the great vom my children sleep peacefully next to each other. This is one of the true miracles of cosleeping. Though I feel into it out of necessity when my son was very young I am so thankful I persisted. I complain about being kicked in the back but it is all totally worth it when I see my children lying in the same position next to each other in blissful slumber.
The original good vom may have turned bad overnight but in the calm after the storm there is peace, love, empathy and compassion. I could ask for no more.
Friday, 10 January 2014
A good vom
My poor little girl has a virus. She's been sick all week. I picked her up from her Dad this morning and took her to the doctor. She's been okay most of the day, ate the majority of her sammich at lunch and had a nibble of dinner. She was exhausted at bed time and went to sleep quickly. She'd only been down about 20 minutes when the door opened and she promptly vomited in the doorway. All over her favourite outfit and the carpet. About four centimetres from the hardwood floor. She filled the toilet a couple of times. Brushed her teeth and told me she felt much better. Then she sat on the couch and happily watched 'Despicable Me'.
Just goes to show the power of a good vom!
Just goes to show the power of a good vom!
The best
Trees are like women; the best ones make you work a little harder
- Jay Pritchard, Modern Family
Frinspiration - Love thyself
Stop hating yourself for everything you're not and start loving yourself for everything you already are - Gaelyn Cokayne
Thursday, 9 January 2014
Let down
I made someone cry today. I didn't intend to. My natural state of play is compassion and I am deeply saddened that my words caused pain. What I said was meant to show them how wonderful they are. It was said out of love.
I am heartbroken. I just cannot seem to get anything right. I keep missing the mark. I'd make a terrible hit man.
I came home from work as early as I could, crawled into bed and lay there thinking for hours. I could have stayed there all night with the washing machine on spin cycle but I cannot keep doing what I've always done. So I dragged my sorry arse out of bed and went for a very brisk, very long walk. As my feet pounded the payment the washing machine spin cycle started again. Round and round. The what ifs. The how comes. The "you're such a fucking idiot"s.
Instead of dancing the streets on a gorgeous summer night I stomped angrily. Every muscle in my legs shaking with each step. "I fucked up" on repeat.
I let myself down. Again. (Pink enters my head)
I'm an old dog. I cannot seem to learn new tricks.
Right now I'd like to drink a fuckton of vodka to numb the pain but I have learnt that alcohol is a natural depressant and I can ill afford to make things worse.
So I walk. Anger oozing from every pore. All directed internally.
Despite it being Thursday there will be no dancing tonight. There is not a skerrick of happiness left.
Get. Your. Shit. Together. Woman!
I am heartbroken. I just cannot seem to get anything right. I keep missing the mark. I'd make a terrible hit man.
I came home from work as early as I could, crawled into bed and lay there thinking for hours. I could have stayed there all night with the washing machine on spin cycle but I cannot keep doing what I've always done. So I dragged my sorry arse out of bed and went for a very brisk, very long walk. As my feet pounded the payment the washing machine spin cycle started again. Round and round. The what ifs. The how comes. The "you're such a fucking idiot"s.
Instead of dancing the streets on a gorgeous summer night I stomped angrily. Every muscle in my legs shaking with each step. "I fucked up" on repeat.
I let myself down. Again. (Pink enters my head)
I'm an old dog. I cannot seem to learn new tricks.
Right now I'd like to drink a fuckton of vodka to numb the pain but I have learnt that alcohol is a natural depressant and I can ill afford to make things worse.
So I walk. Anger oozing from every pore. All directed internally.
Despite it being Thursday there will be no dancing tonight. There is not a skerrick of happiness left.
Get. Your. Shit. Together. Woman!
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
Monday, 6 January 2014
No more fucks to give
I have no more fucks to give.
I have worn a mask for way too many years. I have been peeling back the layers of that mask since leaving a destructive marriage. I will not apologise for who I am or change anything about myself for someone else. So, peeps herein lies your one and only warning. Listen carefully, I mean every word.
Who I am
I care not that I am sensitive nor whether or not my sensitivity bothers you. Or doesn't. It is truth. If you say something hurtful, I will get upset. If you act in a manner that is contrary to how I would like to be treated I will probably cry. I cannot change this. I can try to hide it from you but why the guck should I? People are shamelessly bitchy or have a quick temper. Why is it so offensive to others that I am sad. It's not like you're at risk of being hit or yelled at. In fact, I am much more likely to walk away, have a cry and listen to some music. Deal with it.
I am childish and socially awkward. I love mornings and I generally wake happy. I walk for pleasure. I don't smile often. I eat small portions regularly.
Swearing
I should have been a sailor. Or a bloke. But I am not. I swear. A lot. And I used ALL the swear words. Yup. Even that one. I could feign Tourette's but that'd be a lie. Block your ears, walk away or brace yourself. It's going to happen. The more shit that goes on in my life the more swearing there will be.
My wardrobe
I wear skirts. Short skirts. I don't wear them to attract attention I wear them because they make me feel feminine while still allowing me to stride out and walk fast.
Gym habits
I go to the gym most days. Sometimes twice a day. I am not addicted. I don't go at all when my kids are around and will skip it if I have something else on but I like it so I go. There is no need to flaunt it around like you are pointing out an ugly growth on my nose. What I do in my spare time is none if your business.
My lifestyle
My ex being partnered does not make me a failure. Yes, I am STILL single. Get over it. If you can't; keep your fucking opinions to yourself.
Criticism
Following on from the last point; if you don't have something nice to say shut your fucking hole. I don't want to hear it. Chances are whatever you can think of to say about me is playing on repeat in my head anyway. You verbalising it is not motivating. It does not make me feel like bettering myself. Some days criticism makes me want to crawl into the foetal position and cry. Others I want to shout at you; scream at the top of my lungs about how fucking rude and inconsiderate you are. Neither are pleasant so shut the fuck up. This applies to my weight and diet too. Just. Shut. Up. Seriously, I have enough on my plate without hearing negative shot from you. This is your one and only warning. If you start, I stop. I refuse to spend time with people insistent on dragging me down.
I have worn a mask for way too many years. I have been peeling back the layers of that mask since leaving a destructive marriage. I will not apologise for who I am or change anything about myself for someone else. So, peeps herein lies your one and only warning. Listen carefully, I mean every word.
Who I am
I care not that I am sensitive nor whether or not my sensitivity bothers you. Or doesn't. It is truth. If you say something hurtful, I will get upset. If you act in a manner that is contrary to how I would like to be treated I will probably cry. I cannot change this. I can try to hide it from you but why the guck should I? People are shamelessly bitchy or have a quick temper. Why is it so offensive to others that I am sad. It's not like you're at risk of being hit or yelled at. In fact, I am much more likely to walk away, have a cry and listen to some music. Deal with it.
I am childish and socially awkward. I love mornings and I generally wake happy. I walk for pleasure. I don't smile often. I eat small portions regularly.
Swearing
I should have been a sailor. Or a bloke. But I am not. I swear. A lot. And I used ALL the swear words. Yup. Even that one. I could feign Tourette's but that'd be a lie. Block your ears, walk away or brace yourself. It's going to happen. The more shit that goes on in my life the more swearing there will be.
My wardrobe
I wear skirts. Short skirts. I don't wear them to attract attention I wear them because they make me feel feminine while still allowing me to stride out and walk fast.
Gym habits
I go to the gym most days. Sometimes twice a day. I am not addicted. I don't go at all when my kids are around and will skip it if I have something else on but I like it so I go. There is no need to flaunt it around like you are pointing out an ugly growth on my nose. What I do in my spare time is none if your business.
My lifestyle
My ex being partnered does not make me a failure. Yes, I am STILL single. Get over it. If you can't; keep your fucking opinions to yourself.
Criticism
Following on from the last point; if you don't have something nice to say shut your fucking hole. I don't want to hear it. Chances are whatever you can think of to say about me is playing on repeat in my head anyway. You verbalising it is not motivating. It does not make me feel like bettering myself. Some days criticism makes me want to crawl into the foetal position and cry. Others I want to shout at you; scream at the top of my lungs about how fucking rude and inconsiderate you are. Neither are pleasant so shut the fuck up. This applies to my weight and diet too. Just. Shut. Up. Seriously, I have enough on my plate without hearing negative shot from you. This is your one and only warning. If you start, I stop. I refuse to spend time with people insistent on dragging me down.
Just breathe
Two words and, seemingly, such a simple task but not today. For today, I shall weep. Just let the tears fall silently and wash the pain away.
The Year of The Free
We're less than a week in and, so far, 2014 sucks dogs balls. As far as I am concerned it can GGF.
I am naming 2014 the Year of The Free. 2014 is the year of acceptance and letting go. These light butterfly wings are just going to float up to the clouds, buffeted by the wind along the way but up and away. Away from the sadness, the disappointment and the pain. Oh, the pain.
I feel like I have been shot and my whole body is the exit wound.
I will breathe through this and handle it with grace; head on like a car crash. Bring on 2015.
I am naming 2014 the Year of The Free. 2014 is the year of acceptance and letting go. These light butterfly wings are just going to float up to the clouds, buffeted by the wind along the way but up and away. Away from the sadness, the disappointment and the pain. Oh, the pain.
I feel like I have been shot and my whole body is the exit wound.
I will breathe through this and handle it with grace; head on like a car crash. Bring on 2015.
How much longer?
I have been in this place of 'recovery' for close to two years. It's not getting any better. I feel like a little kid on a long car ride - how much longer?
All the professionals I have spoken to say it takes at least as long to recover as the relationship was sour for. Which means that I have about another eight years to go. Does not sound like living to me!
All the professionals I have spoken to say it takes at least as long to recover as the relationship was sour for. Which means that I have about another eight years to go. Does not sound like living to me!
Sunday, 5 January 2014
Good madness
Today I was lucky enough to spend the afternoon with my sister. Despite the fact that we were both sick and I have a heavy heart we laughed and has an enjoyable time - like she says, it's the company we keep that counts.
Love ya guts sis xxx
Love ya guts sis xxx
Friday, 3 January 2014
New Year Frinspiration
The essence of compassion is a desire to alleviate the suffering of others and to promote their well-being
The Dalai Lama
Thursday, 2 January 2014
Processing and recovery
I process and recover from life events in different ways; depending on the cause and the effect it has on me. Some things wash off with a shower. Running helps sometimes. Others require a spot of shopping. Some can only be addressed with dancing. The ugliest require alcohol. When you have to turn to all your vices? Watch out!
Challenge one
Despite my positivity today, I have been faced with my first challenge. I hope that I have conducted myself with compassion, respect and dignity. I choose to hold my head up high, stand by my beliefs and stick to my values (honesty and loyalty). I am reminded by the things that make me happy and am thankful it is Thursday - that dancefloor is going to get a work out tonight!
I shall endure this with grace; head on with a smile.
Come at me 'bro! I am ready to be better than I have ever been.
I shall endure this with grace; head on with a smile.
Come at me 'bro! I am ready to be better than I have ever been.
Emergence
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Today I spread my wings and fly away. I fly away from my self-imposed negativity, regardless of who tries to reinforce my doubts. I fly away from toxicity and the things that bring me sadness. I fly towards freedom; light; love and true friendship. I carry with me compassion, empathy, love and forgiveness.
It is time to fly, float and flitter; time to try something new.
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
C'est la vie
Life is all about making mistakes. It happens to me a lot. I seem to continually fuck shit up. Making mistakes does not bother me, per se. What bothers me is that I cannot seem to learn from them. I am stuck in these habits of self destruction and I cannot stop. I have patterns of behaviour that were reinforced for years that mean that I so easily believe the harshness spewed forth at me but, for the few genuine compliments, I cannot believe. I cannot see what others see. I am so filled with hatred for myself. And not believing the compliments from the genuine people in my life makes me hate myself even more.
There are days when I know that I am in a better place. I am free.
Then there are days where I would do anything to be with my babies. I'd go back in a heartbeat. But I force myself to remember that my daughter needs to know that a man has to treat her with respect and my son must learn to treat women with respect and I force myself to walk away. It breaks my heart. I feel like I am being torn apart. Every. Fucking. Time.
And despite what he says I know he'd take me back. I'm a good little housewife - cooking, cleaning, fucking. But not worthy of sharing.
Fuck that!
I am so over the mind games that go on in my head as a result of my past two relationships. I went from one controlling manipulative arsehole to another. I'd rather be alone than taken for a ride again. Like a friend pointed out, my status as single or partnered has no bearing on my worth as a human. I am worth no less because I am unloved. I am just unloved. Like I am not rich and I cannot play a musical instrument. It makes me no less of a person because I don't have someone to share my bed with.
All the false bravado in the world is meaningless. I preach that I am a good catch, that I am pretty awesome but I don't believe it. Not in my heart if hearts. As a result, my insecurity and neediness will attract the wrong person again. Making mistakes is fine. Not learning from them is woeful.
So, I plan to continue to make mistakes. But I will make new mistakes and learn from them. This washing machine I have been living in is a prison of my own making. While I was put in here against my will I stay because I am scared to leave. I stay because I don't have the skills to leave. I stay because I am comfortable in my misery. I stay because it is familiar. I stay because I think I deserve to be miserable for ruining my children's lives.
But I can stay no longer. This is not a place to live. This is a place to fester and die. I chose to escape from my prison. I chose to crawl out; to drag myself through the sludge; to pull hand over hand through the mud. I choose to wash this funk off me. I choose to go fragrance free; no longer will I cover up my flaws. No longer will I try to be someone I am not.
I have been saying the words for months on end but I have not been able to act on them. I have been trapped by my own fears. I have been thwarting my own efforts. I have not yet found the reason why - conditioning? Genetic predisposition? Fear? Who knows. It matters not for I am sick of the self imposed shackles. I am tired of being tired. I am so emotionally drained all of the time and I no longer want to be that person.
I am free. I need to start living life. I am on a path to heal my damaged heart. I know that there are so many things wrong with me but if I continue to focus on those things I will miss out on so many opportunities for joy.
I am stronger today than I was yesterday. Tomorrow I will be stronger still. I will no longer give power to the words of a wounded man who continues to try to pull me down; to destroy me as a means of making him feel powerful.
I am free. I will cocoon for the evening and in the morning a butterfly will emerge.
There are days when I know that I am in a better place. I am free.
Then there are days where I would do anything to be with my babies. I'd go back in a heartbeat. But I force myself to remember that my daughter needs to know that a man has to treat her with respect and my son must learn to treat women with respect and I force myself to walk away. It breaks my heart. I feel like I am being torn apart. Every. Fucking. Time.
And despite what he says I know he'd take me back. I'm a good little housewife - cooking, cleaning, fucking. But not worthy of sharing.
Fuck that!
I am so over the mind games that go on in my head as a result of my past two relationships. I went from one controlling manipulative arsehole to another. I'd rather be alone than taken for a ride again. Like a friend pointed out, my status as single or partnered has no bearing on my worth as a human. I am worth no less because I am unloved. I am just unloved. Like I am not rich and I cannot play a musical instrument. It makes me no less of a person because I don't have someone to share my bed with.
All the false bravado in the world is meaningless. I preach that I am a good catch, that I am pretty awesome but I don't believe it. Not in my heart if hearts. As a result, my insecurity and neediness will attract the wrong person again. Making mistakes is fine. Not learning from them is woeful.
So, I plan to continue to make mistakes. But I will make new mistakes and learn from them. This washing machine I have been living in is a prison of my own making. While I was put in here against my will I stay because I am scared to leave. I stay because I don't have the skills to leave. I stay because I am comfortable in my misery. I stay because it is familiar. I stay because I think I deserve to be miserable for ruining my children's lives.
But I can stay no longer. This is not a place to live. This is a place to fester and die. I chose to escape from my prison. I chose to crawl out; to drag myself through the sludge; to pull hand over hand through the mud. I choose to wash this funk off me. I choose to go fragrance free; no longer will I cover up my flaws. No longer will I try to be someone I am not.
I have been saying the words for months on end but I have not been able to act on them. I have been trapped by my own fears. I have been thwarting my own efforts. I have not yet found the reason why - conditioning? Genetic predisposition? Fear? Who knows. It matters not for I am sick of the self imposed shackles. I am tired of being tired. I am so emotionally drained all of the time and I no longer want to be that person.
I am free. I need to start living life. I am on a path to heal my damaged heart. I know that there are so many things wrong with me but if I continue to focus on those things I will miss out on so many opportunities for joy.
I am stronger today than I was yesterday. Tomorrow I will be stronger still. I will no longer give power to the words of a wounded man who continues to try to pull me down; to destroy me as a means of making him feel powerful.
I am free. I will cocoon for the evening and in the morning a butterfly will emerge.
Christmas bounty
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Happy New Year
I am glad 2013 is done. Bring on 2014. I am ready to rock this party. I've worked hard in the last year and am the strongest I have ever been. As I lay in bed I am determined to keep working; never go down without a fight and to smile through it all.
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
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