Let down

I made someone cry today. I didn't intend to. My natural state of play is compassion and I am deeply saddened that my words caused pain.  What I said was meant to show them how wonderful they are. It was said out of love. 

I am heartbroken. I just cannot seem to get anything right. I keep missing the mark. I'd make a terrible hit man.

I came home from work as early as I could, crawled into bed and lay there thinking for hours. I could have stayed there all night with the washing machine on spin cycle but I cannot keep doing what I've always done. So I dragged my sorry arse out of bed and went for a very brisk, very long walk. As my feet pounded the payment the washing machine spin cycle started again. Round and round. The what ifs. The how comes. The "you're such a fucking idiot"s.

Instead of dancing the streets on a gorgeous summer night I stomped angrily. Every muscle in my legs shaking with each step. "I fucked up" on repeat.

I let myself down. Again. (Pink enters my head)

I'm an old dog. I cannot seem to learn new tricks.

Right now I'd like to drink a fuckton of vodka to numb the pain but I have learnt that alcohol is a natural depressant and I can ill afford to make things worse.

So I walk. Anger oozing from every pore. All directed internally.

Despite it being Thursday there will be no dancing tonight. There is not a skerrick of happiness left.

Get. Your. Shit. Together. Woman!