Stealing happiness

This morning as I made my bed, dreaming of the yellow doona cover I will one day own and I was struck by an epiphany. All the little things that bring me joy - yellow, dresses, small Tupperware containers, funky glasses, cocktails and vodka, hugs and kisses, dancing and yoga, seeing my family and friends and having a clean house were the exact things my ex slowly took away from me. He held physical affection to ransom and set such unrealistic expectations that I could never attain. I worked myself, literally, sick. I tried so hard for so many years but it was never enough.

I've had my rebellion. I drank too much, bought too many things and danced well into the morning. I am slowly finding balance. I have found my boundaries and try to maintain them. I have my little things that make me happy - my pretty dresses and jewels, my oversized tea cup, my (somewhat) organised and (mainly) clean home. I can drink and dance. I do yoga. I wear flowers in my hair and eat pasta for lunch. I still have hugs and kisses to give but I just have to hold onto them for now. Until the right person comes along. Someone deserving. Someone who will give back to me. Someone who will freely love me, without obligation or constraints. Someone who will tongue kiss me at the bar, who will wrap me in his arms when I am cold and who will want to hold onto me all night long. I am in need of adoration. Not the icky dependent kind but the honest, authentic type. Unasked and unashamed. I need someone who is proud of me; not someone who has hurdles I need to jump over in order to be deserving of their affection. I want him to smile when I walk in the room; shows me off to his friends and protects me from the evils of the world. I just want to feel safe and secure. I want to be able to breathe. I want to keep my happy things and share them with someone. I don't care whether that someone likes them or not. They just need to be willing to accept them and love me in spite if my quirkiness. I am tired of fighting for every little thing. I need am ally who will share my happy things rather that steal them.