I'm a freak

I have not slept this year. I am surviving on ten, maybe twenty minutes a night. My mind is in overdrive again and I can't slow it down. All my usual vices are not helping. So tonight I tried something new. I, once again, tried to join the realm of normal people by having a bath. After what felt like an hour the bath was finally at a suitable depth and temperature. My sister, bless her, gave me a beauty pack for Christmas which contained bath bombs so I dropped one of them in and watched it effervesce as I stripped off.

One of the reasons I hate baths is that the naked stillness is, quite honestly, terrifying. I'm a size six to eight. I work out and I try to eat well but there is nothing I like about my body. Bathing, therefore is not a relaxing pursuit. Positive attitude! The bath needs to work as I am entering the world of cranky tired which does not bode well for the people that share any space with me. This includes driving on my roads, going to my gym, shopping in my supermarket, living in my street, working in my building or, quite frankly,  just being a citizen of earth. Drastic measures are required. I must sleep tonight!

So, I tried to distract myself by reading an extract from the Sunday paper (i.e. some meaningless shit) but that was not very effective as my mind wanders too easily and it was not worthy of my full attention. After about half an hour the water was getting cold (probably about forty degrees) and I was painfully aware that, although I had a shower directly before filling the bath, I was wallowing in my own filth. Another shower and I felt clean enough to go to bed.

I am roasty toasty warm as I crawl into bed. My head is pounding, my heartbeat erratic and my eyes bloodshot from fatigue. Every muscle aches. My head hits the pillow and I reach over to turn off the lamp. Then I close my eyes, ready for sleep to take over. Nothing. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. The pain in my head is so bad it feels like my brain is swirling in my skull. All external sounds are muted. My burning eyes start to water. I refuse to open them though. Sleep will come. Sleep will come. Sleep will come.

But it turns out that sleep does not know where I am, perhaps sleep lost my address or is just too busy with someone else. Or perhaps it's that sleep is just not what my body needs now. Perhaps what it needs is to try to process all the issues and to do that it needs me awake. Perhaps an epiphany is just around the corner.