There are two emotions ruling my state of being at the moment - fear and anger. Fear of the unknown; the unchartered waters ahead. Fear of rejection. Fear of not being good enough. Fear that I am unloveable. And anger. So much anger. All pointed internally. Mostly because I have made so many mistakes. Some repeatedly. I just cannot seem to get anything right.
I am in such a shitful place. To ad insult to injury I inadvertently pissed my sister off yesterday and now she's not talking to me. I've lost one of my strongest and most reliable allies because I was trying to help and missed the mark. Again. I have the best of intentions but I just keep fucking up. I am so fucking sick of this shit.
It seems like I have nothing positive in my life. And to top it off I cannot sleep. I sneak an hour or so a night. I am tired. So very, very tired.
I am emotionally worn out. I no longer give a shit. I am so heavy-hearted at the moment but I don't cry. Ever. For someone who cries in touching commercials, this is not normal. Physically I am a mess too. My hair has started to fall out, my nails have stopped growing and are all split and/or broken, I can barely walk today because my arse is so sore, I have has a pounding headache since Monday, my knee throbs and my shoulder keeps popping out of its socket. I am an all round mess. Internally and externally. As my mother says, my life is fucked up and getting more so every day.
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