Harmony

I am so blessed to have wonderful friends in my life. I may not be loved but, man, am I loved!! I get such rich feedback from my writing from my friends. One in particular is not afraid to point out my failings in the most raw, tactful and loving ways. She is my mirror. She reflects on what I write and provides me with her thoughts on my writing; my expression of what's going on in my life. She's never wrong and I love that she has the strength, compassion and empathy to pull me up on my shit. I know she says what she does because she cares and I never have to worry about offending her with my responses because she gets that my life is fucked but in the most beautiful and gracious ways she steers me to light.

I am even further thankful that she has a restless but and chats to me via text at obscure times. I feel guilty about it because I would prefer that she had a daughter that let her sleep easily but she is so often able to show me the silver lining and for that I am truly thankful.

This morning she has again provided me with some reflections on the focus of my writing and, as usual, she is right. In her succinct way, she has made me see that my focus is very narrowed on a relationship and that I am in need of harmony. I agree.

I see the two reasons I focus on relationships. Firstly, because that was my ultimate failing. Leaving my marriage was the only promise I have ever broken. And it was a huge promise to break. It brings me a great deal of guilt because it not only affected my relationship with my ex but all my relationships. Secondly because people are exceptionally important to me. I am a social being and a people pleaser. Relationships are my focus because the people in my life are a reflection of who I am. I am so delighted that through my shitful experiences of the last few years I have found and nurtured some solid and fantastically important relationships. They have depth, mutual respect and love.

In the past I lived for others. My struggle now is finding the right balance of living for me and doing for others. My naturally generous nature means that I do many things for other people that make my life extremely more difficult than it needs to be.

Saying no has never been my strength. It is one of the things I am working on and is fundamental to achieving harmony. I have spent a great deal of time assessing my values and beliefs and setting boundaries centred around them that I now try to live by. I have let people walk all over me in the past. In order to prevent that from happening in the future I have assessed what matters to me and I try to make sure that I don't let people overstep those boundaries.

It would be easy to mistake that as expectations. However, I expect nothing from anyone. Not my mother, sister, cousin or friends. I have no expectations on anyone. But I do have boundaries. No longer are people allowed to walk all over me. You overstep my boundaries and I will let you know, in no uncertain terms. For those people who have been in my life for a long time this can be very confronting. Generally speaking, people don't change. When they do it can be upsetting. I've had people insist that I am on drugs, that I am mentally unwell and that I have made a huge mistake. I know the truth. I am not addicted to anything. I just don't have that kind of personality. I have multiple vices and use them according to my mood. Alcohol is one such vice but I can easily go weeks without drinking. The closest I get to addiction is exercise but I have so many different things that I never focus on one and get different things out if all of them - gym makes me feel strong and capable, walking brings me clarity, yoga brings me peace, running is my endorphin rush and dance soothes my soul.

For me, harmony is achieved when you can just be. Like the great Dalai Lama says, I am anxious when I am thinking if the future, depressed when I think about the past but I am at peace when I live in the present. My peace will come when I achieve balance in my life and can just be. I have my ups and downs, like anyone on the roller coaster of life but I am moving towards balance. The scales have tipped from me living only for other to include more time when I live for me. I am determined to get there, it is just a much longer and more difficult journey than I had envisaged.