Self love

Self love. No, not the kind where we're thankful that our arms are long enough to reach the fun bits but truly accepting oneself for who we are and making no exceptions or apologies for it.

This has been my challenge for the last couple of years and I think I am finally making progress. Events of 2014 have shaken me to my core but it turns out my core is stronger than I realised. I have been floored, heartbroken and shattered with sadness but I am not a continual blubbering mess. In fact, while I have been on the verge of tears, I have not cried at all. I have managed to pick myself up and go to work, get to the gym and even cook a few meals. For me that is a huge display of self love. Instead of going on a bender when my heart was torn, I went for a walk, did my washing and addressed some outstanding emails. While drinking and dancing would have been more fun I know that if I do so when I am sad the after effects are long lasting. Instead, I focused on self care and pulled through much faster. I was even blessed to chat to a cherished friend in Ireland; something I would have missed if I was on the dance floor.

Self love, to me, is showing respect for oneself. I wouldn't try to comfort a sad friend by dancing in front of them. I would sit with them, talk it through, hold them and stay with them until they felt strong enough to stand alone. I have just started to treat myself the way I treat others.

Through self love I have learned to accept myself, flaws and all. The perfectionist in me is seeking continual improvement but for a few fundamental attributes I know I cannot change. They are hard wired in and part of the fabric of who I am.

Through self love I am setting boundaries for others. Not expectations or demands but I am no longer allowing other people to run all over me. I am getting better at saying no. I still over accommodate for others, I will always be generous, I remain thoughtful and compassionate. But I will not let people put me in a place where I am unhappy. Self loathing is a state of habit for me that I have spent the last two years clawing myself away from. I will no longer do things that put me back in that place. I am worth it.

I want to get to the point where I can sleep at night again. I know that my insomnia is a result of inner turmoil, pain, rejection, loneliness and guilt. I know that only I control the way I feel about things but I need to live my life with authenticity. I need to be in keeping with the things I value (truth and loyalty).

I ran myself into the ground for a decade trying to please a man who could not be pleased and I nearly fell into that trap again. Thankfully I am in a better place and able to stand up for myself.