Crazy in love

I do not fall in love easily but when I do I fall hard and it takes me a long time to get over people I love. I am the epitome of crazy in love. Perhaps that's one of my problems. I have been working very hard on controlling my emotions, constantly pulling back. Consistently withholding from others. The leash has been getting tighter and tighter. I find myself clenching my hands together behind my back to stop myself from physically reaching out at times. I am so restrained in my actions. I bite my tongue, I resist following my natural instincts and I harness my every move.

I think I am pretty easy to love. I am fairly relaxed about life, I am easy to please and I don't impose on others. Clearly my ex thinks differently as he has dubbed "totally unloveable" (and fundamentally flawed). Bitterness aside, it would appear that he is actually right: I am unloveable.

I don't want someone to need me; I like my independence and I am not prepared to let go of that again. I just want someone to want me. I would like, just for once, to be chosen. I'm the girl at the end of the night that's still dancing alone when all the girls are kissing guys. I'm the girl that is friend-zoned. Guys are happy to look but none are interested in anything more than that. I would much rather be unattractive and likeable. To be pretty is nothing. It's a veneer, an outer coating that has no real value. There's no greater insult than having someone reject you once they actually get to know you. All the things that attracted them in the first place are not strong enough for them to hold on to once they take the veil off and see what lies underneath.

I am flamboyant, energetic, generous and fun. All of which are apparently unattractive qualities, embarrassing to those around me and offensive. I cannot, and will not, change who I am so I need to learn to accept that I am going to be alone. I'm just not sure how to do that yet. I have had a lot of practice in the last eighteen months but I hate it, to be honest.

I know I can cope on my own. I have my interests, my friends, my family but I miss being touched. I miss being hugged. I miss sex. I do not believe the humans are designed to live without touch. I am finding myself craving it more and more. It's the only thing I cannot provide for myself. Though it would be nice, I don't need emotional support from a guy. I have very little financially but I don't want a man's money either. I like nice things and have expensive tastes but I don't need gifts or lavish outings. I miss the intimacy of a relationship - sharing thoughts, ideas, feelings. I miss the occasional gentle touch, a peck here, a butt squeeze there.