Some nights

Ninety per cent of the time I'm okay now. However, there are nights like tonight where I lie and cry. For so many reasons. I cry for Euan and Gemma and just want them with me. I cry for my Lily. I cry for friends who have also lost babies. I cry because my dad is terminally ill and I owe my mum money that I cannot repay and I know all she wants to do is retire and travel. I cry for my sister who I love more than she knows. I cry for my gorgeous friend who just wants to find someone decent. I cry for my best friend who is struggling so much more than he needs to at the moment. I cry because the world is unjust and fucked up.

I cry and I cry and I cry. Until the sobs turn to silent tears which just drop silently off my nose and soak into the pillow. I cry until my throat and chest hurt. I cry until there is nothing left inside and I hope, beyond all hope, that I can maintain the numbness I feel when the tears have stopped falling and the pillow starts to dry knowing, though, that the morning will bring with it the ever present pain. The dull ache of sadness. The effort with each breathe. I know that the morning will bring with it not only yet another opportunity to try to do better but the inevitable disappointment when it draws to a close and I've lost another twenty four hours without achieving anything.

So I take a deep breath and soldier on. I know that these days are infrequent now and continue to be less a part of my life. Time heals all wounds and all that crap.