This is who I am

I have spent the last eighteen months or so working out what I like and, in the process, found a plethora of things I don't like. It is important to try new things, to expand your horizons and learn in the process. I have spent the majority of my adult life listening to others and doing things I did not want to in order to get them to like me, hoping it would make them love me. Turns out that didn't work so well.

So, I have taken this opportunity to turn that shit around. At the start I floundered. I truly struggled to know what I liked. I found making decisions really difficult (I still do when I am tired or unwell). I would deliberate for weeks over the smallest things. Initially I worried about what people thought of me; fearing they would judge me for the choices I made. I consistently reminded myself of the fact that I wanted to please myself not others. I am all I have. If I am not happy then life is going to suck even more. So I persisted. I went through a process of trial and error. I now know what I like and what I don't. I know what I want. I know what I will not tolerate. I am defining boundaries. I am working on creating a life that I am proud of.

This is me. Unashamed. Uncensored. Unapologetic.

I love my children more than I ever thought possible and will always put them first. I like cut flowers. I insist on a clean house. I believe leggings should not be worn as outerwear unless you are at the gym. I like to be cuddled to sleep and prefer to sleep naked. To say I enjoy dancing is the biggest understatement ever. I am thankful for my small group of friends. I speak the truth so withhold information rather than lie. I love wholeheartedly. I don't like biscuits. I prefer dessert to mains. I use exercise as a means of coping with the fucked upedness of my life. I like wearing heels. I swear. A lot! I am happiest snuggled up with my children but really want to share my life with someone.

I think Ryan Reynolds is hot even though I don't rate him as an actor. I love smart men. I have a thing for belts, scarves and necklaces. I abhor violence. I do not enjoy gardening. I actually really do love my family and enjoy spending time with them. I give more than I should. I love the simple pleasures - walking hand in hand, kisses, hugs and homemade food. My sister is my best friend. I love dresses but am happiest in a pair of jeans.

I love Batman (and Hugh Jackman as Wolverine). I will leave the house without makeup on. In a pickle I can be showered, made up and dressed in about 15 minutes. I don't always match my handbag to my outfit. I cannot wear bold lipsticks because I am too uncouth and it ends up everywhere and I cannot style my hair.

The best 15 minutes of my week is generally the meditation at the end of my yoga class. I wear perfume because it makes me happy and choose the scent based on my mood. I love to sing even though I have no talent. I am high maintenance. I still don't understand girls - the games they play; the backstabbing; the bitchiness; the competitiveness; their love of horses. I prefer the company of men. I love being massaged and having my hair stroked. I love birthdays; Christmas and fairy lights. I don't enjoy classical music and find ballet boring. I don't watch TV. I love a man in a crisp white shirt. I should have studied physics. I prefer action movies to rom coms but I still believe in love. I hate racism and homophobia. Oh, and mirrors; I hate mirrors! I quite like facial hair but hate moustaches. I am almost always cold. I hate secrets and abhor lying. I am a morning person. I prefer blue to pink. I am animated and passionate and, according to other people, this makes me intimidating. Breakfast is my favourite meal. I prefer having the lights off at night.

I can only attract drunk, old or desperate men and once men get to know me they generally lose interest. I can chat for hours unless I am with someone I am attracted to in which case I am too scared to say much. People generally think I am a bitch when they first meet me and misconstrue a lot of what I say.

I am playful and energetic. I am dedicated and loyal. I find it hard to contain my excitement a lot of the time. I actually quite like my job. I am boring and hobby-less. I use avoidance mechanisms rather than face my issues. I think nail polish is funny and wear it in a mocking fashion. I don't drink enough water and predict the great undiagnosed illness of 2009 will kill me within five years.

I love vodka and sweet fruity cocktails. I do not like tequila and it does not like me. We agree not to be friends.

I hate carpet and trinkets. I am comforted by the smell of second hand cigarettes even though it makes me want to vomit. I miss my Dyson. I would probably still work if I won lotto. I could live on banana, avocado and chocolate milk; though not together. I love movies. I struggle to sit still. I like driving in the rain but I want other people off my roads. I eat too quickly when I am hungry and always feel ill so prefer to snack often than to have three meals a day.

I actually like spiders (with the exception of tarantulas) and consider the daddy long legs (not technically a spider, I know) my roommates. I love to watch crabs on the beach. I think there's nothing more soothing than seeing a sleeping baby; maybe because mine so rarely did.

My favourite is vanilla ice cream, but only when made with real vanilla beans. I wish I could speak a second language and play a musical instrument.

My dream is to own a bar and dance every fucking night.