I have been working really hard on changing; no, reverting to my former self. I made the horrendous mistake once upon a time to hand myself over to someone else. He took control slowly over any years. Little by little I gave up more and more. Until one day I was unrecognisable to myself. I didn't do any of the things I loved - listen to music, dance, netball, gym, walking, running, going to movies and out to dinner, visiting family and friends and spending time in the sun. I stayed indoors, wore dowdy clothes and was pretty fricking miserable. I ate because I was sad. I would cry for hours on end; rocking myself in the fetal position. I was suicidal. I hated myself. I loathed every fibre of my being.
I tried and tried and tried to change the situation. For years I begged, pleaded, encouraged, supported, guided, shepherded and pushed for change. I resorted to demands and ultimatums. All my efforts were in vain. I threatened to leave. Many times. My sorrow, pure heartache, fell on deaf ears. Until one day when I walked into my parents home after an enormous day at work and Mum offered to make me a cup of tea. That small sign of compassion at my weakest moment flicked a switch for me. I was able to walk away and start again. Start the process of very slowly building myself up again. I stumbled. I fell. I tumbled and tripped. I scraped my knees and landed at the bottom of cliffs. Every time I got up. Every time I picked my sad, sorry, lonely, guilt-ridden soulless self up. I dusted myself off and I tried again.
I used every vice I had to prop me up - alcohol, shopping, exercise. There were times when I would drink so far beyond my capacity in the hope of a few hours painfree. I'm not proud of myself. I made many bad decisions. I terrorised my body and ended up in hospital as a result. But I didn't know how else to get through. I had been taken to the darkest of places and left to rot. And I damn nearly did too. I spent many nights sitting on bridges and tall buildings. There were many times that I fought with my inner demons and only just won.
Some days I would fall more than I stood. Those days gradually got further apart. I very slowly investigated my options and the emotions that they brought up. I read. I wrote. I cried. Oh how I cried. I ran. I ran until my legs burned, my chest heaved and my body was drenched in sweat. I wrote and wrote and wrote. Some of my writings are here. Others have been burnt. Some have been deleted. Others I keep and are just mine.
I have very slowly discovered what matters to me. What I will and will not tolerate. What I want and where I would like to go. I know that life doesn't always go according to plan and that I now have a support network of friend and family that I can rely on. I am happier than I have been since I was a teenager. I have many people to thank for helping me along the way but I am the only one that was there all the time. I have come to realise that, although I didn't do it on my own (like I would ordinarily like to), I was instrumental in my success. I built up my support network slowly and deliberately. Letting go of those people that were toxic and spending more time with those that have back.
I am not where I want to be yet but I am well on the way. There are still times when I come off track. New situations are challenging but I try to maintain my core values to ensure that I never again end up in the pit of despair. There are triggers that see me sliding down there again but I am better at recognising them early and pulling myself back before I fall too far. I better at asking for help - something I have never done before. I am capable of doing that thanks to the reliable, loving family I have refound.
I can, for the first time on my life, see that I am worthy of people's time, affection and support. I am a good person and I can occasionally see that I add value to the lives of those around me. I am starting to relax more often. I am sleeping in longer stints and napping (sometimes in strange places like the hairdressing salon as I wait for my inevitably late appointment). I am stronger than I have been in a decade and working on bringing my fitness up again. I am far from perfect but I am making progress.
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