Self sabotage

 I have become an expert at self sabotage. It's a harmful and dangerous protective mechanism I employ when something matters to me; when there is something I want. It's a way of preparing for what my fucked up brain sees as inevitable failure and misery. 

It must stop. 

I am naming my shame in the hope that it will help me overcome this terrible habit. It has kept me away from such huge potential happiness. I am desperately trying to let go of my tendencies so that I am open to real, honest and mature relationships that are based on respect. 

I have to keep reminding myself that I am allowed to accept people's generosity. 

I am permitted to enjoy their company. I am worthy of happy times. I am fighting some pretty deep-seated demons but I am determined to win. 

I want to be spoilt. I want people to open doors for me. I want to be lavished with affection. I want to be treated like the lady I am. 

I do not expect anything from anyone and would never put forward demands but I like being treated well. Very much. 

I hereby give myself permission to accept the generosity of others without feeling guilt about it. I will smile until my cheeks hurt and laugh until I feel like I am going to throw up. And I will love every single second of it