Choices

We all make choices in life. The hard part is living with them.

I have made some terrible choices. Many I will regret for as long as I live. I wonder whether that's why I cannot sleep at night.

Some choices fuck you up forever. They have you running in circles in the confines of our own mind. For some reason, though, I pull myself up out of bed every morning and hope that things will be different. Each night I realise, however, that nothing has changed. There are no real options. The freedom I fought so hard for was just an illusion.

The path I have taken through life has led me to a series of dead ends.  Regardless how many times I u-turn and make a new attempt at moving forward I am lead to another brick wall. Now, a wise person like Dr Suess would advise me to climb over, dig under or walk my way around that wall (though with more rhyming and less real words). However, there comes a time when it is important to realise that no amount of parkour training, badger skills or trudging is going to bring salvation. There comes a time when it is necessary to admit defeat.

I am at that point. I am never going to win. For me winning would be having my children with me the bulk of the time, not the occasional weekend. Winning would include being able to afford to travel the world, rather than juggle the bills. And winning would have me adored by a remarkable man rather than disappointed and alone.

However, having accepted defeat actually makes available a new choice. I choose to make the most of the cesspool I am in. I choose to learn acceptance. To stop fighting for more and join the plebs out there living the drudgery of life. To plug back into the matrix and hope beyond hope that I can return to a state of ignorance and again become comfortably numb. The problem with this new choice is that I have been awakened to something more. I have been shown how fun life can be. I have a mammoth task ahead of me.