Happy

When a friend quizzed me about my mulkvisti yesterday the first thing I came up with as to why he is so freaking awesome is that he makes me happy. This is not necessarily true. He does not make me anything. I am happy when I am around him. I am happy when I am around other people too. He is not the only person I am happy with. He's just the person I want to be happy around. There is a huge difference. When I realised this today I made a great leap. I will not be miserable without him. If he chooses her my world is not going to come crashing down. The building has already been demolished. The events of New Year's Eve saw that disaster. I've been waiting since for him to make up his mind but I fear he already has. He is just too scared to face it. Too frightened to admit he is going to take the path of least resistance.

I have to keep reminding myself that this may not be a reflection on me. It probably is but I don't know the full story. He's not the kind of person to open his heart and let anyone in. So my over active mind leaps from one scenario to another trying to find the truth. Trying to work out what's going on and how I can make myself better so as to avoid the same situation again in the future.

If truth be told, however, this situation is unlikely to repeat. In fifteen years my ex could not find anything loveable about me and spent the last seven years we were together trying his utmost to show me that. It took a long time for me to get the message but I got there in the end.

I worry that this is the same. Though he keeps trying to tell me otherwise, my gut keeps telling me that he's made his decision. He's just stringing me along because.... I'm not sure. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt me, maybe he wants to try to have his cake and eat it too, maybe he thinks I will cope better without him. Hell, I don't know.  I could play these guessing games all day.

The truth is that my greatest fear is that my ex is right. I know family and friends love me but perhaps I am unloveable in the romantic sense. Perhaps I am too intense? Or just too difficult? Perhaps people take on board my nuances and feel obliged to try to address them even though I never ask that of them. Perhaps my insecurity and constant need for reassurance is just too overbearing. Perhaps I am really annoying and I just don't know it. Maybe I miscommunicate and people actually think I am high maintenance when, really, I don't give a shit. Maybe my lack of expectations is interpreted as weakness. Perhaps I am boring. Who knows.

The only thing that I can control is me. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I cannot make him make a decision nor can I make him communicate with me. I need to continue to focus on myself and finding my own happiness. If he comes around I will accept him with open arms. If not then I will let go as gracefully as I can with all the peace I can muster and try not to let it destroy me.