Mindfulness and madness

I am trying again to be mindful of the madness going on around me. Papery butterfly wings are not cutting it at the moment. I am being buffeted by the wind. Acceptance, grace and poise are proving to be a challenge. I am desperately trying to centre myself against the onslaught with little success.

I have decided to dedicate the next few days to quiet. A slowing down of mind. I am going to try to close my mind off to negativity and the sheer panic I have been experiencing the year and just and let it sink in.

Times like these remind me of how much I hate to be an adult. Responsibility has never been my greatest strength but I can see how many bad decisions I have made in the last few years in an attempt to regain life. But, like Bob says; times, they are a changing. Acceptance (another weakness of mine) is the only motherfucking option. Considering my natural reaction to stressful times is to fight for what I believe in, the path of acceptance is a challenging and somewhat depressing one. I am creating new neural pathways in my brain; rewiring my hard drive. It's not an easy thing to do but a necessary evil.

I am going to meditate morning and night for a whole week and see what affect that has on the health of my mind. I have not slept for more than about 40 minutes a day this year and it is starting to take a horrendous toll on my body. Postherpetic  neuralgia is making every breath painful. The glands are up in my jaw, neck, underarms and groin. I have had a headache every day for the last two weeks. My memory is pretty much non-existent. My memory is shot. Every muscle aches and I know it is only a matter of time before the stress of my life infects my body totally and I am back in hospital. Again. I want to avoid that at all costs.

The future is out of my hands. I cannot force other people to make decisions nor can I influence the decisions they are going to make. I need find some peace somewhere. I need to find a way to wait patiently for this decision to be made without having it ruin me. Uncertainty has always been a killer for me. I can cope with anything as long as I know the truth. Not knowing is my most hated form of torture.

I will continue to hope that he chooses me, even though I know in my heart that he won't. I cannot let go until the words spill from his mouth. To me, he is worth it but I need to control my body's reaction to this stress so I don't (literally) kill myself with the internal pain I am experiencing. I came close to that in 2009 and I recognise the warning signs. Now is the time to act and find a way to let the pain escape from within.