My optimism is waning. I am struggling to see the light in life. I am not depressed but I am sad. I am not crazy but my mind goes a million miles a minute. I am overwhelmed; completely and utterly beyond capacity. I try so hard to do the right thing but I keep fucking up. I am tired. I don't want to hear about all the things I should be doing to attract a man. I am sick of the constant pressure at work to be more like someone else and less me. I miss my kids. I miss human contact. I want to be held and have someone tell me it is going to be okay. That, at some point, life is going to stop getting harder. I want to get something, any fucking thing, right. I want to make someone smile. I need to not feel like a complete and abject failure in just one thing.
A friend recently said that now is not the time for me; that my children will come to be with me in time. Someone else said that now is not the right time to find a man. People in my life continually defer me with the "not now" excuse when I ask difficult questions, hoping I will stop asking them.
A gorgeous friend asked me what's wrong recently. When I started reeling through the list I thought to myself 'no wonder I am knackered'. My kids miss me (and I them). My father is in hospital (it's not too serious but a firm reminder that the end is looming) and, consequently, my mum is stressed. I have not been able to get to gym which I rely very heavily on for the endorphin rush. I am out of contract at work. My cousin is having issues with her bestie. My sister is selling her home. My best friend's uncle just died and a legal battle looms. I cannot seem to get my lawyer to get the property settlement details right. I am frightened that my nursing friend is right and my hip pain is bone cancer but I can't afford the MRI. And despite all my best intentions and plans to the contrary, I fell hard for someone who is absolutely god damn fucking awesome but it's unlikely to work because he does not feel the same way as I do. So, I am trying to pull my heart back before the shards splinter my other internal organs and cause permanent and irreparable damage. I fear it is too late. I promised myself in 2009 that I would never fall in love again. I let me down. Again.
So, I have just a bit going on. No wonder I am stressed and deeply sad; the most sad I have ever been. I really need to drag my arse up and apply for jobs but I'm so tired. My eyes sting and my head is fuzzy. I can't hear properly anymore. I have to wear my glasses to be safe to drive. I haven't slept for five weeks. My world has been torn up. I just want to crawl into a hole, lie in the fetal position and sleep a dreamless slumber for a week.
I want to be able to keep my heart in tact. Though he may not want it; I have not yet given up hoping. The guy I love is not perfect. No one is. But I see his flaws, I am acutely aware of them in fact, and I still love him. I wish I didn't but I do.
Life's complicated. Now is not the time to deal with things. So I wrap my broken heart up as best I can, trying to hold the billion pieces together in case. Just in case. Hoping against hope for something I know in my soul won't happen but wanting it to anyway.
For some reason I cannot let go yet. I will fight for the man that I love because, to me, he is worth it. And I am the only one that matters. I am well beyond the point of caring what anyone else thinks of me. I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck. Try as I may I cannot seem to please anyone anyway so I am going to chase the one person, apart from my children and my family, that brings joy into my life. I live with so much guilt and regret already. I cannot afford to add to that pile.
So if now is not the time for me at least I will know that, like everything that has every meant anything to me, I have it my all. This time, however, rather than simply do as requested in order to appease (like I did woth my ex) I was honest and open and raw. I was me - insecure and passionate, crazy and insightful. If he decides that he does not want me I know that it is me he is rejecting. Not some false impression. Not a mask or a persona I invented to try to please him. He has seen me at my most ugly and I have never made false claims about who I am. I have not lied to him at any point about what I want and what I cannot tolerate. That gives me some peace. I know that, should he walk away, he walks away from me. I don't need to second guess things or wonder "what if" in a million different combinations because there is nothing more I can offer him. I am willing to give him everything. Only he can decide whether it is enough.
I have established boundaries and I do not want to live in limbo forever. He has a finite time in which to make a decision. My heart has been damaged enough in the past. This is not an ultimatum or a threat or a trick but a protective mechanism. I never mean ill with the things I do. I am the most deeply caring person I have ever met. I have nothing but my heart to lose and I could sit around forever waiting. And, for him, I would wait. And he knows it. But that is not healthy for him. It is for him that I do this. He has a difficult decision to make and it is one he needs to make actively rather than passively. I will gently push him to make a choice for it will make his life easier in the long run. He needs to step up and face this for he is the one that has to live it.
I may have fallen in love without wanting to but I have not let go of who I am in the process. That's growth. And that is something I am proud of. For I know that if he decides to walk away, I will be sad. I will miss him. I will spend months licking my wounds, a process that started weeks ago to be honest, but I can return to a core that will have been untouched.
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