Cautiously optimistic

I met a man. An incredible man. A man who makes me feel like the most special and amazing person. A man who shares my values. A man who makes me laugh. A man who I am proud to be with. A man like no other.

It's early days but I feel like I've never felt before. Heeding the advice of my loved ones though; in light of the fact that I have made so many mistakes in the past.

Right now I'm cautiously optimistic. Yay!!

The need for love

I had a conversation with one of my favourite people today. He said he can't understand why people want to be in a relationship. I've pondered this since and, while I no longer need it, I want it. I want it.   I really, really want it.

I want someone who wants me. Who looks at me and smiles; someone who wants to spend time with me and will make the effort to do so. I want to dine together, exercise together, laugh together and have fun. So much fun. I want free flowing honest conversation and comfortable silences. I want someone who challenges me. Who encourages me to be a better person. I want respect. Partnership. Honesty.

I will settle for no less.

The great cussing debate

I have been trying to stop swearing. I know I swear too much. I know it is unladylike. I know that, if I am to progress to where I want to be, I need to cease and desist with foul language.

But.... sometimes "gosh darn it" does not convey the emotion required for a particular situation.

Pivot points

There are times in our lives when things change. The catalyst can be large (giving birth to a child) or small (meeting someone new). I have many moments in my life where I have known that my life had taken a sharp turn and would never be the same again. On my wedding day when my new husband told me that I was no longer allowed to drink alcohol; when I found out I was pregnant with my first child; when my first birth ended in emergency cesarean; when I had a beautifully peaceful homebirth; when, after collapsing, I was lying on the ground under the washing line and saw my husband standing on the back porch looking at me as I drifted in and out of consciousness; when I walked into my parents' home after a long day at work and my mother asked me if I wanted a cup of tea and I decided, at that very moment, that my marriage was over; when I chatted to a stranger at a bar who slurred at me that I was the most beautifully plain person he had ever seen in real life and when I was rejected by an overweight man in his mid forties before he had even taken the time to meet me in person.

You never know the impact you will have on another person. You will never know what effect your words will have on someone. That man in the bar who told me I was beautifully plain, though he was blind drunk, had no reason to lie to me. The way he looked at me, like he was looking straight into my soul, was overpowering. While I was waiting to be served I could feel him looking at me. He was clearly an alcoholic. A man who had dived into the bottle many years earlier searching for escape, freedom from the pain in his life; a fleeting moment of relief. The bar was busy but not hectic so as I turned he looked straight at me. There was something about that man the struck me. Even when he was looking at me I was not creeped out, like I often get when people maintain line of sight for longer than they should. The man was well weathered. Possibly homeless. He had iridescent blue eyes and long dark lashes. His greying, thinning hair was all disheveled. But he was not threatening. As I held his gaze for a second I could not help but smile. His eyes twinkled a little bit but his mouth never moved. He looked me straight in the eye and said "You are the most beautifully plain person I have ever seen in real life. You move with such grace. You could be such a great woman but you are cursed like me, with a mind that never stops". I wanted to stop and talk to the man. But I could see that the person I was with was getting agitated so I walked away. But his words have stuck with me, years later.

Whenever I am having a bad day, I think of that man with his intense stare and dark blue eyes. I know I am not ugly. I know that I have beauty inside of me. I know that I am overfull with love that I crave to share with someone special but I do not want to be an imposition on anyone anymore. I am too intense for anyone to be able to bear. There is no man out there man enough to be able to handle me. I need to ball up and ensure that I don't ruin any more lives. I need to hold onto my own shit and learn to cope by myself.

Things you should know

I have been trying to eat well lately. I've never had a terrible diet (MacDonalds is not real food!) but I have recently cut out refined white sugar (mostly) and the majority of carbs. I feel fantastic! My moods are much less intense. I am more subdued in my approach to everything. Nothing makes me really happy but nothing destroys me either.

I recently saw a post about what you need to know when dating a fit chick. I don't put myself in the fit chick category (last night I ate pizza and two scoops of ice cream from Gelato Messina FFS). On the other hand I have been up since five so I can roast pumpkin to go in my salad for lunch and do a home-grown circuit. Before most people are awake I have done 400 sit ups, 150 squats, 100 lunges, bicep curls, leg extensions, tricep dips and planking. I have done two loads of washing, showered, dressed, done my hair and packed my running bag for tonight. It is 0607.

This is who I am

I love Vanessa Amorossi's This is Who I Am. I am getting to a point where I am unapologetically me. I am working hard on liking every bit of me and being proud of the person that I am. I have the best of intentions and I truly care about the people in my life. I am more secure than I ever have been (not to say I'm not insecure about a few things but I am working on that, really I am). I no longer try to please others or care what they think about what I wear, how I dance, the music I listen to or what I say.

I'm not perfect. Far from it! I fuck up all the time. But I strive, first and foremost, to make myself happy. That's not to say I don't love the people in my life, I do. Very much. I treat them well and I like to spoil them with impromptu gifts from time to time. However, I give because I want to not because it is expected or I feel obliged.

I am not the kind of person that works well on a routine. I don't like the mundane predictability of a life like that. While it brings comfort to some I find it stifling and icky. I like to mix things up and regularly do.

I like to stay fit. I like to eat well. Two things I am taking more seriously as time goes on. For me, exercise is critical to maintaining mental health. I've let it slip a bit in the last few weeks and it shows. I need to exercise on a daily basis. Sometimes twice a day. Three times if I have had to deal with the lawyer of my ex. I am working on getting back into exercise and finding new ways to challenge my body.

While I am happy in kicks and a pair of jeans, I love dresses and high heels. I love fresh flowers. I like to keep my house clean and stay on top of the washing. I don't like dirty dishes hanging around and towels should always be hung on the rack. I am particular about everything having a home and being put back where it belongs. I can imagine I will, now that I have realised how important these things are to me, be a right royal pain in the sense to live with.

I am okay alone but I am not truly happy. I want someone to share my life with. Someone I am passionate about and who makes me feel alive. Someone I can discuss anything with. Someone who accepts me for who I am, faults and all (o one is perfect! Even me). Someone who won't judge me when I eat half a pizza and two scoops of ice cream on the weekend but stick to salad during the week. Someone who is not embarrassed to order me food that won't make me sick; who is, in fact, ridiculously considerate of my allergies. Someone who challenges me but will catch me when I push myself too far and fall in a heap, like I am known to do. Regularly. Someone who understands that, when my world is crumbling in around me, I need a hug and will hold on just that little longer to let me know that it's going to be okay. Who realises that, when he's let go, there's still more hurt so hugs me again, a little tighter. Someone who is strong enough to call me on my shit when I fail but man enough to know when I've learnt my lesson and need a little slack.

I accept that there are less than ideal parts of me that I cannot change. When I really care about someone, I am insecure. I need more reassurance than I should because fear is an issue for me. My past means I carry demons I don't yet know how to let go of. One day I will be free of them but I don't have the skills I need right now to rid myself of them. Until that time I will endeavour to surround myself with people that provide me with love and support. Who don't shame me or make me feel inferior for being honest and open. I am actively shutting out people who treat me poorly or make me feel bad about myself for the way they cope with my behaviour. I'm aware that there are times when I'm intense. There are certain topics that trigger me and they are always the things I am most passionate about; the ones that matter most to me - my children and the people I love the most.

I have few friends. Those I have, I love dearly. They're all a little messed up in their own special way.  Nothing wrong with that!! In fact, I love that about them. It makes them human. It makes them real. It means that we can support each other and grow together.

I am spending more time alone than I ever have. I am now home most nights and for stretches of the weekend. My home is slowly being converted into something I am really proud of. A space I like to be in. A safe haven. A sanctuary.

This is me. I like me. Come join me if you please. While I am okay by myself, I enjoy company.

Love thyself - Part II

I have focused the last ninety days to myself. I have followed my dreams and booked a holiday as I desperately want to travel. I have taken up photography again. I am dabbling in art. I have made my home a sanctuary.

I'm not happy. Far from it. I want my babies with me full time but that's not an option right now.  I want mad, crazy, happy, respectful love. But that's not going to happen either. Despite not having the two things I want most, I am content. I need no one. I am okay. I don't feel like I am living but rather existing and I have to be fine with that. I have me and I am enough.

Another year I didn't die

Yesterday was my birthday. It was the happiest birthday I have had since I was a teen. I was spoilt rotten. Not only in gifts (where I was given some stunning and very generous presents) but in outpourings of love from family and friends alike.

I can honestly say that I had no idea so many people cared about me. The texts and messages I received warmed my heart and gave me courage and strength to continue.

I am amazed and pleasantly surprised. I am so very grateful for the gifts I received but so much moreso for the sentiments that came with them. My heartfelt thanks go to each and every special person in my life. I am blessed; for I have many.

Obligatory respite

I recently booked my first holiday in over a decade. In mid October I will spend eight nights in a tropical resort. This is a holiday of obligation. It is not a destination I have been dreaming about going to. It is a holiday because I am run down. I am heartbroken and tired. I am severely sleep deprived and I am craving warmth. 

I am trying to look at it in a positive light. It is the cheapest holiday EVER. My eight nights' accommodation and breakfasts is costing me a grand total of $321. I am going to try to cross some things off my bucket list while I am there which will be satisfying. And I am going to be warm! No numb fingers or toes for me.

I am going to have eight full days where I am free to do as I please. Apart from flights, I will not be required to be anywhere at any particular time. I will be able to eat when I am hungry, run when I want and walk everywhere. I will be able to read my book in the sunshine, paddle on the aqua sea and hike in the rainforest.  I know I am travelling in the wet season and I am going to try to nap when it is rainy. I  have no expectations of the trip, because it is not a lifelong dream, therefore I have no chance of being disappointed.

I have always wanted to travel but I see this as obligation with perhaps the potential for adventure. I am going to try to take things as they come. Being a natural planner, I am really struggling with that idea. But, to be honest, I am finding making decisions very difficult at the moment. So much so that I cannot decide what to do with the time that I have available. This is disturbing me greatly. One of the reasons I am going on holiday is that I will be forced to make decisions every day and I am hoping I can build some confidence with that. 

I am not excited about my holiday but I am relieved for the opportunity it presents.

To blave

Love, true love is so rare. More often than not one person in a partnership is more heavily invested than the other. Truly committed, loving relationships are one in a million.

My full heart is longing to bloom in love. The reality is that my heart and soul are badly damaged. I have come a long way and I am much happier with myself than I have been since I was a teen. But there's still that yearning for a deeply committed, honest, open, respectful relationship. One where both people grow in a nurtured space. Where there is understanding, forgiveness, compassion and warmth. Where hugs flow freely and kisses abound.

Aunt Flo

I have come to terms with what being single means - no hugs at the end of a hard day, no support when life inevitably goes to shit and no sex.

Equally it means no drama, no conflict and the ability to do whatever I want whenever I want. If I feel like roasted broccoli that's what I do. I don't have to compromise and I don't have to be considerate of someone else. 

I'm okay with being on my own three weeks a month. The one week I have my period, though, is awful. There are tears, snot and so much sadness. 

My loves

My children are my greatest loves. My heart aches to spend more time with them. I miss them so much.

While I've created a busy life in Melbourne, it is not full without them.

Shameless flirting

Today I was flirting with a guy from work. All innocent stuff but, still, I am trying to develop some kind of skills in dealing with the opposite sex.

Soothe thy soul

I've been focussing on me for a long time but missed the mark. In the last few weeks I have been mindful of my mood and actively trying to soothe myself with healthy, constructive pursuits. Today, I lay in the sun and read. I find concentration an issue so only read a few pages at a time before my mind wanders into unhealthy territory.

So, I picked myself off the newly mown grass and decided to tackle some hard core gardening that I have been putting off for ages (I hate gardening). I sawed until my bicep was throbbing; filled the garden waste bin and made a neat pile of clippings to put in the bin next week.

This simple task occupied my body for well over an hour. As I concentrated on making sure I didn't fall the heavy branch into the fence, all other thoughts faded. I was truly in the moment. I escaped my woes and was transported to nothingness. The sun warmed me while the healthy endorphins flooded my body with contentment. Plus, I was rewarded with a sense of accomplishment at a job that does not need to be done again for at least a few months.

One day

One day I will wake up and feel able to face the world. One day I will be able to look in the mirror without wanting to vomit with disgust. One day I will get through twenty four hours without crying uncontrollably. One day I will smile and it will be genuine. One day I will not feel pain with every breath. One day things will be less hectic. One day I will find the scars of my past no longer weep. One day I will have healed from this trauma. One day I won't have to fake it because I will truly like the person the I am. One day my values will fully align with my actions.

I know this because each day I am getting stronger. Each day I make a little bit of progress. Some days I fall into a heap. Some days are just awful. But I have worked a long time on many issues and I'm determined to win.

I'm putting myself first. Something I haven't done since I was in my teens. I'm focusing on building my foundation. I'm bound in my lighthouse, licking my wounds and healing them cleanly. The scars will forever be there but I refuse to be held down. I'm eating well. I'm taking time for me. I'm worrying less about others (my children aside; as they will always be my priority). I'm saying no. I'm not entering into the drama of others' lives.

I'm trying to focus on the positive. I'm not taking on board the opinions of others. It matters not what people think of me. What matters is what I think of me. My battle now is to become the person that I am proud of.

I am proud to be kind, caring and generous. I am proud that I am giving and thoughtful and sweet. I like that I am funny and easygoing. I like that I don't take myself too seriously. I like that I have my own life - my independence is important to me. I like that I'm healthy and fit. I like that I take pride in my appearance but I'm not conceited. I'm proud that I'll do anything for the people I love - friends and family alike. I'm glad that I am truly happy when people I love are happy, even if that is to my detriment. I have managed to hold down a job while going through a traumatic separation. I've endured when everyone thought I would fail. I'm resilient.

I am starting to see that I have plenty to like about myself. Now it is a matter of practice and reinforcement. All that's left is to constantly and consistently protect myself from negative external forces while reinforcing the positives.

One day at a time.

Be still my crazy mind

I over think everything. I take offence easy, apparently where none was intended. I feel constantly misunderstood - like I speak a different language to everyone else. I am continually disappointed in myself for I form attachments too easily; leaving myself open to intense feelings of rejection and abandonment.

I have been on the cusp of entering into the big bad roller coaster ride of dating.  I loathe online dating so I'm not keen on going there but it seems no one meets organically anymore. Friends and family are unwilling to introduce potential partners anymore for fear that the relationship will fail and the initial friendship suffers. This is compounded by the fact that I am somewhat socially  awkward which means no guy is ever going to approach me in public. There are days where I feel completely trapped by myself.

So, I turn back to the fact that I'm mostly okay by myself. I'm not miserable with my own company. I'm focusing on finding hobbies that quiet my mind and take me out of the space where I realise my life is completely fucked and to a calm, tranquil space. I managed to do some photography during the week. And the kids and I painted yesterday. I've never been particularly creative or talented at any pursuit. I've not been blessed with any skills. So, this is trial and error. An adventure in getting to know myself again. A way of exploring new ideas to try to get my mind to shut the hell up.

Forget the numbers

I have never been a fan of the numbers society uses as a gauge. I rejected it forcefully when pregnant with my first after being told that I was "failing to progress" in labour. Who the hell has the right to tell me I'm taking too long to dilate my cervix? A child has to fit through there you crazy psycho! Of course it's going to take a while. Then there was the amount of sleep, weight gains and head circumference measures. Whoa! Hold up there captain. Tens of thousands of years of evolution and we're reduced to assessing the health of our children by weight gains? Heard of a little epidemic called obesity?

It was then that I realised how driven by numbers we are - height, weight, wage, age - they're what we use to measure someone's worth. Hell, we even assign a score to people - apparently I'm a seven. Who does that? Since when have stats meant more than values, principles and behaviours? Why do people tolerate an arsehole because he earns six figures? Where's our own sense of worth gone? That we will put up with abuse (whether verbal or physical or both) at the hands of a man who cheats and lies just because he drives a nice car?

No more with the numbers peeps! Come on. We all need to take a serious look at ourselves and the people we associate with and determine whether they're the kind of people we want in our lives. Money and looks aside; are you surrounding yourself with loving, caring, genuine people? People who will come to your aid if you need them. People who keep their promises. People who respect you and treat you with compassion and consideration.

Or are you surrounded by people who let you down? Lie, cheat and make you feel bad?

I need to remind myself that I would rather be single forever than be verbally or physically abused. I would rather be alone forever than with a liar and a cheat. I would prefer to die having never had sex again than to wake up to a man who does not appreciate me and treat me with respect.

For the first time since I was a teen I am starting to sit back and assess the people that are in my life and objectively assess whether they treat me in the manner in which I deserve. I don't expect people to change but I am culling people from my life that don't makers feel good about myself; people that keep me in a place of misery and people that are unreliable. Don't make promises you can't keep!

I figure this is a good sign. I figure it means that I am, very slowly, getting stronger and more resilient. I feel more robust. I am less tolerant of misbehaviour. I am more honest about what I want, what I like, what I don't like, and what I deserve. I expect nothing. From anyone. But I have standards  now where I had none before.

So I refuse to judge people on the amount of money they earn, their postcode, their weight, or age or how really, really good looking they are. Instead, what matters to me are honesty, integrity and reliability. People who value their family and friends. People that talk not about celebrity hair style but of the things that matter in life - family, friends, love, sex and food.

A little ray of sunhine

Instead of turning to my standard 'quick fix' (sugar in it's various forms, exercise or alcohol), I bought myself a vase as it will last forever and some gorgeous ranunculus because they are one of the first flowers of spring. I planted about $10,000 worth of bulbs at the block as a part of one of my ex's schemes to make money from the property but never managed to take advantage of the money or time spent in the depths of winter planting out five acres of paddock with a little princess in a sling on my back.

C'est la vie!

Passion rekindled

Today I took a mental health break, dug my camera out and hit the Tan. The results aren't brilliant but I'm not unhappy.

It's all perspective

I was told by a guy at work "you looked very Lois Lane this morning with your hair tied back and glasses on. Hot!". Hilarious because I felt like shit. I was wearing my glasses because I'm so tired I can't see and my hair was tied back because I was too late this morning to dry it after my run.

Just goes to show how differently people can see things. 

I'm going to try to accept things on face value rather than try to guess at what people are thinking and feeling. I tend to get it wrong when I do the latter anyway so clearly that's not working for me.

Awash with pain

I have realised that I need to write. I need to write because I think too much and writing helps me prioritise and process things. I have survived what my psychologist has referred to as "one of the worst cases of emotional abuse" he has seen. In fact, he has said on a number of occasions, when I have entered his rooms wanting to return to my ex so I can see my children more and claiming that the emotional attacks could not have been as bad as I remember, that my behaviour is demonstrative of extreme abuse. Apparently the brain does crazy things in trying to rationalise abuse - the ultimate form being Stockholm syndrome. 

To be honest, I do not believe that my ex husband is an awful man. He was just not the right man for me. Or I was not the woman for him. Either way, we didn't work. He tried desperately to mold me into someone I was not and I dutifully complied until such point as I had lost all semblance of myself.

The last three years have been a very gradual and extremely painful journey to try to not only heal but grow as a person. In my usual fashion, I have run at it like a bull at a gate. Rather than batten down the hatches and lick my wounds, like my darling cousin has recently suggested I should have, I desperately tried to fix myself. I abused alcohol. And exercise. I ignored the pain and I tried to power on through. It was my way of avoiding falling into a pile of decaying mess. I did achieve the latter goal but the former was unattainable. The skin may have grown over some of the wounds but the infection has grown underneath. Like dry rot in timber, I am infected.

My wake up call came to me on the weekend. An unlikely sequence of events sent me spiraling into the pit of despair again. I have not visited that hole for many months. I have been soldiering on relatively comfortably for some time but on the weekend I had a good friend let me down. He had good reason to and I respect his decision but I still felt abandoned. Then I had a social event to attend with people I generally don't see often. They all had the same questions for me and, listening to my own voice as I told my story time and time again, I was hit like a bolt of lightening with the realisation that I am utterly miserable. While I thought I was doing okay, I was wrong. It was all superficial bullshit.

So, on Monday I ended a relationship with someone I adore. He's been a friend to me over the last three years and was a rock when my life turned to shit. But, if I am honest, he was unhealthy for me. While he said all the right things he could not back them up with action. I have spent all of this year and the majority of last trying to wean myself off him. He had been a reliable crutch, propping me up from afar but never really there for me when I needed him. When I finally realised that this was going to continue ad nauseam, I took the path of self preservation. As a result, I am in pain. I am once again awash with sadness and feeling a sense of failure that I cannot budge.

I do not feel guilt or regret; just sadness. An emptiness and quiet has washed over me. Quite literally, the silence has created a void. The lack of text conversation during the day has made me realise how lost I am. 

I am now taking stock. I am focusing on the things that make me happy. I am reassessing all the relationships in my life. I am being totally honest with the people that I love. I accept that I love in many different ways and that most people don't understand that about me. I have found a peacefulness in my solitude. 

I have been keeping myself in this place because it is familiar. As uncomfortable and painful as it is, I have made my home here. My cesspool of filth has become entrenched in the way I operate. I have been brutally honest with myself this week.

I recently booked a holiday. Travel is important to me but I keep putting it off. I have been in a pattern of self sabotage and I am taking every step to remedy that.

I have had a number of lengthy conversations with my father recently. I have cried silently while he talks to me. He is a wise man and I am very grateful for his insight and perspective.

Change is hard. I've said it before and I am sure I will say it again. I find myself making progress only to slip back into old habits. I have to continually pull myself up on my behaviour. I struggle with putting priority on my needs. I find it very difficult to look after myself. This week I have done better - I have been eating well, trying to sleep more and exercising less. I have again picked up my books - after clearing my bedside table of the pile of novels and reference material I have been wanting to read I now have only one to focus on. I pulled my camera out of storage and will try to fit some photography into my weekend. I am trying to remember the things I was passionate about as a kid and reconnect with the activities that I love; those things that bring me peace and happiness.

The end

I'm well fucked. I have more issues than Cleo. I'm insecure and jealous. I'm sensitive and easily misunderstood. Because of the way I am I have ruined something very special to me and pushed away someone I adore.

No more. I'm done.

Eternal disappointment

My life is one big fuck up followed by another. My heart aches, my head is pounding and it hurts to breathe.

I am so very sick of myself. I have worked very hard on so many facets of my life and I just keep hitting brick walls. I am a pretty sorry state for a human to be in. Hanging on a thread. Always alone. Unloved. Unwanted. And yet still trying. For what end? Disappointment? Rejection? Heart ache?

Musical Frinspiration

Do what makes you happy

Memory

Love thyself

I am focusing on self love. Yes, again. I keep losing sight of it. Because it does not come naturally and I'm a pretty conciliatory person I tend to put the needs of others ahead of my own. I am trying to find the right balance to ensure that I car for myself and have leftovers to love those around me that deserve it.

So, this morning I had iron cereal with banana and blueberry yoghurt served with pineapple juice in a wine glass. Because I am that classy.

Not average

I realise that I am not easy to be around. I am easily upset (but, as one of my writer friends says "if you wanted me to write nicely about you, you should have behaved in a manner that was deserving of such"). I know that my dietary requirements are a pain in the arse. I appreciate that I am overly fussy (though I don't believe I impose this on anyone. I am always more than willing to accommodate to meet the needs of other people). I know that I can be moody and I turn on a dime.  I get frustrated easily and tend to clam up when people hurt me (which seems to be fairly frequently). 

I'm also feisty. I have my own opinions and I'm not afraid to voice them. I won't be told what to do, wear or say. I stand up for what I believe in. I can be exceptionally strong if I have to be. If someone rejects me I will hide my pain so well they will never have any idea that they're affecting me so deeply. I am in no way normal. I don't want to be either. 

Can't bring me down

Chivalry

Following on from my earlier post about the qualities of a gentleman, I am embarking on a process of becoming more lady-like. No more swearing (well, less at least). No more drunken nights. No short skirts or shorts when I go out.

I shall attempt to be refined and gracious. I shall maintain good posture and use my manners. I shall study again. I will behave more evenly and try not to let my emotions take over.

Give the girl room to bloom

I went for a walk at lunch time. I had been in a gloomy mood all day. My morning started badly and the day just continued to go to shit. I was on the verge of losing it. I could see that if I didn't take steps to pull myself out of the doldrums I was going to do something I would really regret or sink into the pit of despair again. I do not want either.

So, I picked myself up, spoke to my beautiful children then cranked the volume up to eleven and danced, I mean walked, around the block. my current favourite song was playing and I was lost in my own little world. I took myself out of my fucked up headspace and escaped into the music. Rocking away (I am a great dancer in my own head) as I walked down the main street at lunch time I knew I looked like a fool but I did not care. Not one little bit. My sanity is worth more than disapproving looks from people I will never meet.

As I walked along, I saw a guy walking towards me. Careful to move over to the left and give him enough space on the path to pass me I was surprised when he put his arm out and stopped me. Assuming he needed directions or some such, I politely stopped and pulled out one ear piece. He had already started talking so I apologised and asked him what he was saying. He then asked me the most unusual question "Have you ever run motivational speaking sessions?". I was perplexed. I took out the other ear piece and he repeated his question. I told him I had not. He continued saying I looked like a positive person and he was sure that I had value to add to everyone in my life. Having been surrounded by negativity and insults all day I have to admit that the obvious come on was flattering. Who doesn't like being told they're hot?

Although I laughed in his face (yes, I am harsh but in my defence I am continually surprised when people hit on me), he put out his hand and introduced himself. It was in such contrast to my morning I was weak and agreed to meet him for coffee view exchanged numbers and I am well aware that I will never hear from him again but it gave me a confidence boost which is what I needed.

Effort for return

I'm hard work to be around. I like myself less for it. If truth be told, I am too much effort and ain't no one has time for that.

The green eyed monster

I spend a great deal of time trying to work through my issues. One of the niggling character traits I like least about myself is jealousy. I have, in the past, been an extremely jealous person. I know that my jealousy stems from deep-seated  inadequacy which leads to insecurity and me second-guessing my self worth. Fear plays a big part as well; I only get jealous about things I fear I will lose, not only because they are valuable to me but due to a sense of helplessness. When I feel out of control in a situation, I tend to dwell on things more and see patterns of behaviour. My feelings are reinforced easily - an unanswered text (or series thereof), snide remarks of lying and dubious behaviour. The longer this goes on the more sensitive I am to repeat performances and the downward spiral takes hold.

I am mindful of this. I am aware that it is an issue and one I need to work on. But I also trust my gut for I am very rarely wrong.

Plans

Sometimes life doesn't go according to plan. You don't get that job, you have an accident, you fall for someone. Facing challenges and adapting to your changed circumstances is what makes humans so successful.

Our ability to moderate our behaviour means we can squash down anger, suppress rage and reject love. It does not mean that we should. In order to protect ourselves from uncomfortable emotions we walk away rather than try to work through them.

To me that's existing. That's no living. Living is falling in love, getting angry, laughing wholeheartedly and having real, honest relationships. There will be smiles. There will be tears. But I think that's better than plodding through the drudgery of life.

Nut job

I watched The Nut Job with the kids on the weekend. There's a quote at the end
"Life's for sharing. Once you realise that you might find there's a little hero in all of us. After all, we're all a little nuts".

Smart squirrel.

Fashion versus style

I love clothes. And shoes. And jewels. And scarves. I like the way I feel when I get dressed up. Naturally, there are times when I slap on a pair of jeans and a tee but I like being dressed well so I tend to put a little effort into my appearance if I am exiting the house. 

After having had so many restrictions on my wardrobe for such a long time I went a little off kilter a couple of years ago. I am settling in to my style now. I am comfortable in what I wear and how I wear it. As such, I care not a bit when the guys at work give me crap about my attire. I truly like my clothes and, as such, their insults are like water off a duck's back. 

I have been thinking a great deal recently about how I have themes within my wardrobe. Naturally my work wardrobe contains attire suitable for the workplace and most items I would never choose to wear outside of the office. I still try to look good even though I am just sitting at my desk ninety percent of the day. 

I am no fashionista. I would never be able to blindly follow trends (e.g. Leggings are not outerwear). I pick and choose clothes based on what I like. I am not loyal to a specific brand or franchise. I am selective in what I spend my hard earned on and very rarely buy anything full price. I have the luxury of time so I only buy things when they are on sale. 

I'm so fussy that many of the things I would like in my wardrobe are not in stores. So, I keep a list of what I want and remove items from the list as I find them. For example, I had a yellow dress on my list for six years before I found one of the right shade and style. 

I am fussy and I will not apologise for it. Like all the important things in life, I would rather go without than have something substandard. 

I have started to step out of my comfort zone a little with clothing. Buying items I would have previously shied away from for fear of looking like a dick because I am not getting any younger and I don't want to have any more regrets than I already do. So, I own daisy dukes and skinny jeans. I have white jeans and daring red heels. I am happy that I am building in confidence to be able to wear what I want to. I feel liberated. I feel free. 

I know that my clothes are an outward expression of what's going on inside. If I have a couple of days in a row where I put little effort into my appearance I know that something is amiss and I need to turn to inward reflection to sort that shit out. Like sancing, it is one of my litmus tests that I use to determine my background level of happiness. 

Chance

Chance favours a prepared mind - Louis Pasteur.

I know what I want. If it ever comes around again I will be able to recognise it.

Uncertainty

I've written of this before. I can cope with most things pretty well. Give me a problem and I'm all over it trying to solve it. But, presented with uncertainty I am a mess. I stress so much my digestive system goes into turmoil. My throat feels constricted and I am nauseated. My heart rate is irratic and I get serious abdominal pain. I shake and sweat uncontrollably. My mind races even faster than usual and I cannot seem to slow it down. Situations like this are exacerbated when I cannot exercise the nervous energy away. Running full pelt is the only remedy when I am this distressed.

Risk versus reward

Sometimes, in order to get to a better place, you have to take a risk. Whether it be a new job, a relationship or a lifestyle choice. Change is rarely easy but sometimes the reward for effort is surprisingly worthwhile. Sometimes, stepping out of your comfort zone can lead to wonderful things.

Fear is a terrible thing that so often holds us back from achieving greatness. There are times when you need to put your brave face on and take a leap. Even if you're scared shitless.

Dating a mum

My childhood dreams were shattered when my marriage failed. I had visions that I would grow old with the man I married; hold hands as we hobbled in old age. 'Twas not to be. I still carry a lot of (unwarranted) guilt about that. I know in my heart of hearts that I gave it my best shot. I threw everything I had at it and I failed.

Now I'm stuck. I have two gorgeous children who I adore but there are so few men interested in 'damaged' goods. I have been discarded on the waste heap but I still pine for a mutally respectful, loving relationship with a guy. I'm trapped and there's not a thing I can do to change my predicament.

I know that friends with kids that have hooked up with brilliant guys post divorce. But they're all both confident and demanding. They appear to put a lot if pressure on men to commit. They make demands and, because they believe they are worth it, somehow they get the guy.

Not me. I cannot demand things from others. I need for someone to choose me; make the conscious decision that I am someone they want to spend time with, regardless of the fact that I come as a package deal. Like my caveat that my vagina comes with my heart; my heart comes with my children.

I know that I had no other choice but to leave my marriage. I'd worked tirelessly without reciprocation for five years. I guess I just didn't think that it would mean I would be alone forever. I crave the ability to share my life with a truly special man. Like my psychologist says, I'm the kind of person that needs a significant other. Despite my experiences, I am so full of love and I want to shower a gorgeous, funny, sexy man in it. I love love. I love wholeheartedly. I am loyal. I am generous and I am exceptionally tolerant. I am supportive, compassionate and dedicated. I know, in the darkened recesses, that I am not like most women. I like to make my man feel like they are the only thing alive in the world.

I understand the reservations men have about entering a relationship with a woman who has children. I can see how they'd think they'd have to parent someone else's kids and that there's a real biological propensity against that. I can understand that it might lead to awkward conversations, especially in more traditional families. I understand the sense of responsibility. I can see why they'd look at that and go "just too hard". I understand that children bring with them obligations that single chicks just don't have.

I know this so well that I have often used my children as a means of getting rid of scum at nightclubs. "What are you up to tomorrow?" he says. "Picking up my children from their Dad's". Their whole demeanour changes. I can see the fear in their eye and I smile as they run away for I know they are not strong enough to cope with me if the thought of children sends them packing.

I am not easy. I am intense and I can turn on a dime. I am typical high maintenance bitch. Not when men are with me. But when they aren't. I try to stop myself but I just can't. It's the uncertainty that wears me down. And my insatiable fear that I am not worthy.

But I want a man. Not just any man. A special, kind, generous, fun and funny man. A man that makes me laugh so hard I literally cry. A man that makes me think. A man that sparks a fire inside me and makes me want to be a better person. A man that makes inappropriate jokes with me. A man that is not embarrassed by my dietary requirements and goes to great lengths to ensure I don't get sick. A man that kisses my forehead and plays with my hair. A man that, while at the same time giving me crap, plays the music I like because it makes me happy. A man who is dependable and honest; who is not afraid to talk things through without cracking the shits and throwing household objects at me. A man who loves his family. A man who shows pride in his work and his appearance. A man who knows that shoes maketh the outfit. A man who irons his shirt before meeting with me for casual drinks on a Sunday. A man who looks after himself first. A man that answers my calls. A real man. A gentleman.

I want to go to the movies and dine with him. I want to cook for him, play with him, adventure and travel with him. I want to snuggle on the couch. I want to host dinner parties in winter and barbecues in summer. I want to drink and dance. I want lazy Sundays in bed.

My darling children

I have been thinking recently about my hopes for my children. I know their lives are going to be difficult and that the world is not a friendly place a lot of the time. I know that I will be to blame for much of their issues as they grow up but I work hard every day to ensure that I am kind and gentle with my words and actions so as to do as little damage as possible. I will help them work through their issues as best I can and will buy them professional help to undo the crap I have bestowed on them too.

I know that I am unconventional. I know that not everyone agrees on how I parent but I do what I do with an openness and awareness. The decisions I make are well informed and deliberate. I take being a mother very seriously. My children are my priority, my number one concern and they occupy my mind every minute of every hour I am awake.

So, to my darling children,

Life is a cunt. Learn the rules so you can break them without getting caught.  Acquire the skills that will let you play the games to get through as unscathed as possible. I am not good at this. I will introduce you to people that are when the time is right and you are ready.

I hope you have awesome sex. I hope you don't feel guilty about it and that you and your partner can enjoy your body (safely though!). Have as many partners as you want but remember that hearts get easily broken or damaged when sex is concerned. Protect yours and be gentle with the hearts of others. Be respectful of your sexual partners and yourself. Experiment safely.

Have fun. People like being around happiness. Jump, dance, run, play, get messy, jump in puddles, kiss in the rain. Be wild. Enjoy every moment. There is fun to be found all over the place and in some of the most mundane activities. Know the boundaries though, there are times when it is important that you are serious. Funerals are not the place for jokes.

Do what you want. Follow your heart and live your own life. Be independent. Find what matters to you and don't let anyone get between you and those values.

Dress well. Wear good shoes. Invest in quality sunglasses. You are more than what you wear but people judge all the time. Be aware that your fashion choices dictate your personal style.

Be honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all. Issue compliments when you mean them, not out of obligation.

Remember your manners. Politeness is underrated and always appreciated. Reply to invitations. Be on time to appointments. Never be late to a wedding. Wear modest clothing to a funeral; a mini is never appropriate (especially for guys). Say please and thank you (and mean it). Open the door for others. Wait for all meals to be served at a restaurant before starting on your own dish.

Give generously and do so without thought of what you are going to get in return. Be kind and considerate but don't get ripped off in doing so. Give because you want to not because others demand it of you.

Love deeply. Be passionate and spontaneous. Kiss frequently, hug often and never leave in the middle of an argument. Your heart will, no doubt, get broken. I will help you to recover from that. Don't let the risk of heartache prevent you from falling madly in love and giving it everything you have.

Read. You cannot be expected to know it all. Rely on those that have been there before to help you out. Don't believe everything you read though. Take what you know and apply it in every situation. Research but don't let books get in the way of you experiencing real life.

Know that I will always be on your side. Regardless of what you do I will stick by you. I will support and encourage you but I will expect you to take responsibility for your actions.

I love you both, Mum

The power of love

"If a person has never encountered love toward himself or herself from any quarter, it is a very sad thing. But if that person can meet even one person who will show unconditional love - simple acceptance and compassion - if he knows that he's an object of someone else's affection and love it is bound to have an impact and this will be appreciated. Because there is a seed in himself, this act of love will start to catalyse or ripen that seed" - Dalai Lama

Heartache

Sometimes, no matter how much you want it, things just don't work out.

Lost motivation

There are so many days where I just cannot be bothered doing the things that used to really matter to me. I don't cook, my house is not spotless, I no longer go dancing, I eat crap and I am fucking miserable.

Hole in my soul

There is a hole in my soul and I can't fill it

Honesty is sometimes not the best policy

I am an honest person. I don't believe in misleading people. I say what I mean and mean what I say. I rarely withhold information. I am pretty transparent in terms of my emotions and people generally know when I am upset or pissed off. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is a risky game. If you win, no doubt you win big. When you lose, the pain is unbearable.

Still, I persist.

It's the little things

Some days it is the littlest things that get you through. Like the little old man at the pub at lunch today who told me as I went to collect my toasted sammich that I was the prettiest thing he'd seen today.

Trendsetting

I'm ahead of the game. By miles. Dance walking is a thing

Hurdles

I've hit yet another hurdle. I keep tripping myself up. Just as I think I have my shit together I find I am flat on my face again.

Time to pick myself up, dust myself off and soldier on. This morning I keep returning to the same phrase "what is the point"? I am seeking the unattainable and it will only lead to disappointment.

Nature therapy

There's a whole school of study (ecotherapy) into the therapeutic benefits of being close to nature. It cleanses the soul. Tonight, after Zumba, I was still feeling depleted do I made a trip to St Kilda to walk along the beach.

I walked and pondered a text I had received from a friend. I listened to the waves and felt the rain on my face. I marveled at the lights of the city and delighted in their twinkling brightness. I breathed in the fresh salty air. I felt my hair blow in the warm autumn breeze. I know that all too soon the warmth will be gone so I wanted to make the most of the glorious night.

I walked a long way; pondering the text in relation to my life. I thought of family and friends; thankful that I have the opportunities I do. As painful as it is that I am not with my children I try to make the most of what I have. I am determined never to repeat my actions of years gone by. If I see an opportunity to do something that might bring me a fleeting moment of happiness I jump on it.

I walked, stepping out my frustration at myself for being such an idiot. I trudged along, loathing the way my mind works; wanting desperately to be more like other people- detached and unfeeling. I want to be able to turn my emotions off and just ride through life.

After hours, I came back to the same conclusion I always do. I can't change the fundamentals of myself. I am who I am. So I sat down and dtafted a response. Drove home, read the response again once tucked up in bed to make sure it accurately portrayed the appropriate sentiment.

The rise of the expert

Craft beers, artisan bread and posh toast, gourmet burgers and sliders, pulled pork rolls, twice cooked duck fat potatoes (my personal fave) and slow cooked everything has seen foodies orgasming as they dine in various eateries. I have no problem with any of these menu items per se. It's just the snobbery with which they emerge. All of a sudden everyone is an expert on delivering the most intense homemade raspberry jam white bread toast. FFS peeps, it is jam on warm crispy bread.

Get in my belly

I love food. Good food. Real food. Food that contains ingredients that are a single word and, generally speaking, direct from the farm gate to the kitchen.

I consider myself lucky to have had a lot of good food recently with one of my favourite people.  While I love good food at any time of the day; I can honestly say that I am in love with brunch. I can be guaranteed an onion and garlic free dish without having to embarrass the company I keep by having to ask the waitress who invariably has to ask the chef.

From the following photos it is clear that I have a penchant for smashed avo. Being my favourite fruit, avocado features heavily in my own cooking - sammiches, pasta and salad are all enhanced with the addition of avocado - and there's no meal you cannot have avo in. Breakfast, lunch or dinner there is always a place for the divine fat-filled fruit.

Smashed avo, feta and lemon at Miss Polly's

Smashed avo with roasted tomatoes at Demitri's Feast

Smashed avo and tomato with basil at Small Town Bakery

Smashed avo with crumbled feta at The Peddler Cafe

Berry pancakes at Red Robyn

Banana ice cream, banana compote and banana rice pudding at Longrain

Twice cooked duck fat potatoes at Romulus and Remus

French toast with Nutella ganache, strawberries, bananas, double cream and hazelnuts at Santucci's

Progress not perfection

I have been working really hard on changing; no, reverting to my former self. I made the horrendous mistake once upon a time to hand myself over to someone else. He took control slowly over any years. Little by little I gave up more and more. Until one day I was unrecognisable to myself. I didn't do any of the things I loved - listen to music, dance, netball, gym, walking, running, going to movies and out to dinner, visiting family and friends and spending time in the sun. I stayed indoors, wore dowdy clothes and was pretty fricking miserable. I ate because I was sad. I would cry for hours on end; rocking myself in the fetal position. I was suicidal. I hated myself. I loathed every fibre of my being.

I tried and tried and tried to change the situation. For years I begged, pleaded, encouraged, supported, guided, shepherded and pushed for change. I resorted to demands and ultimatums. All my efforts were in vain. I threatened to leave. Many times. My sorrow, pure heartache, fell on deaf ears. Until one day when I walked into my parents home after an enormous day at work and Mum offered to make me a cup of tea. That small sign of compassion at my weakest moment flicked a switch for me. I was able to walk away and start again. Start the process of very slowly building myself up again. I stumbled. I fell. I tumbled and tripped. I scraped my knees and landed at the bottom of cliffs. Every time I got up. Every time I picked my sad, sorry, lonely, guilt-ridden soulless self up. I dusted myself off and I tried again.

I used every vice I had to prop me up - alcohol, shopping, exercise. There were times when I would drink so far beyond my capacity in the hope of a few hours painfree. I'm not proud of myself. I made many bad decisions. I terrorised my body and ended up in hospital as a result. But I didn't know how else to get through. I had been taken to the darkest of places and left to rot. And I damn nearly did too. I spent many nights sitting on bridges and tall buildings. There were many times that I fought with my inner demons and only just won.

Some days I would fall more than I stood. Those days gradually got further apart. I very slowly investigated my options and the emotions that they brought up. I read. I wrote. I cried. Oh how I cried. I ran. I ran until my legs burned, my chest heaved and my body was drenched in sweat. I wrote and wrote and wrote. Some of my writings are here. Others have been burnt. Some have been deleted. Others I keep and are just mine.

I have very slowly discovered what matters to me. What I will and will not tolerate. What I want and where I would like to go. I know that life doesn't always go according to plan and that I now have a support network of friend and family that I can rely on. I am happier than I have been since I was a teenager. I have many people to thank for helping me along the way but I am the only one that was there all the time. I have come to realise that, although I didn't do it on my own (like I would ordinarily like to), I was instrumental in my success. I built up my support network slowly and deliberately. Letting go of those people that were toxic and spending more time with those that have back.

I am not where I want to be yet but I am well on the way. There are still times when I come off track. New situations are challenging but I try to maintain my core values to ensure that I never again end up in the pit of despair. There are triggers that see me sliding down there again but I am better at recognising them early and pulling myself back before I fall too far. I  better at asking for help - something I have never done before. I am capable of doing that thanks to the reliable, loving family I have refound.

I can, for the first time on my life, see that I am worthy of people's time, affection and support. I am a good person and I can occasionally see that I add value to the lives of those around me. I am starting to relax more often. I am sleeping in longer stints and napping (sometimes in strange places like the hairdressing salon as I wait for my inevitably late appointment). I am stronger than I have been in a decade and working on bringing my fitness up again. I am far from perfect but I am making progress.

Wrong in all the right ways

I love Pink. In an interview for the release of the greatest hits so far she talks about her "new" boobs. Her quote is thus "Didn't buy 'em. Ate 'em".

Love her!

Oh, puh-lease

Kylie is known for her tight tush. She's 45 and, apparently, she still likes sex. Shock! Horror! Stop the press. Let's make a big deal about a sexy woman who puts effort into her appearance that still likes to do the horizontal mambo.

This kind of shit angers me beyond belief. Honestly, what kind of world do we live in where there is an end date for people enjoying sex? No doubt, her Sexercize video is tacky. But I'd be honoured to have a body like that at 25 let alone 45. 

As a woman, I am enraged with comments such as "women sometimes want to forget their Caesarean scars". FFS, if you've had knee surgery do you need to forget about that to be sexy? It is what it is. If people are so preoccupied with their age and physical appearance that they cannot enjoy a roll in the hay then they are with the wrong partner. When in the throws of passion the last thing you should be thinking about is your "thinkening waist". I believe the right partner will make you feel sexy and desirable regardless of the number on the scales. With their touch, kisses and eye contact they should be able to make you feel like you are the only person in the world when you're in bed, the couch, the floor, up against the wall (or however you like to fuck). 

But seriously, bodies change over time. Gravity takes over as we get older and, yes, as women our bodies change shape as the result of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding. ALL NORMAL. We are humans, not robots. Boobs sag and, sadly, so does everything else. It's not the end of the world though. Those of us over 23 (or whatever the magical number is at which women reach their expiry date for sex) still like sex. Some women have higher sex drives than others. Some find that their libido is like a rollercoaster. Some find it hard to get lubricated as they get older. We're all different. 

I'm sick of hearing this shit about women liking sex. If you're doing it right, most people find it pleasurable. Period. The love of sex is not gender, race or age specific.

Sex? Good. Penises? Good. Love? Good. All three? Fucking unbeatable!

*steps down from soapbox*

The value of love

I'd take love over money. Every day. But I am unwilling to settle for something short of spectacular. I'm far from perfect; I am insecure and tend to get jealous. At the same time I am tolerant, loyal and generous and I put a lot of effort into relationships.

I never make demands but if someone is not prepared to put a little effort in to ensure my happiness then he does not deserve me.

Real woman

I have missed the mark. Again. I have chosen clothes based on what I think men will like. I drink too much too often. I have been neglecting my mind, body and soul. I am so stressed out I find it hard to breathe.

Today I caught up with one of my favourite women. This lady is phenomenal. She's a true professional in the workplace; she is exceptionally talented and has an air of grace about her that is so rare. She is kind, smart, interesting and insightful. In short, she epitomises the qualities of a women that I admire.

I'm changing tack somewhat. I'm ditching the sailor swearing and the short skirts. I am picking up healthy eating and ceasing alcohol. I'm bringing classy back. If I want a gentleman I need to behave like a lady.

Knowing what you need

You'd think that someone of the downhill slide to forty would know better what they need. I keep chasing clouds and catching air. I fill my life with distractions so as to avoid facing the inevitable truth. I need to share my life with someone significant. I crave it. Living without it causes me pain. To avoid the pain I drink too much, eat poorly, don't sleep and focus on the wrong things. I'm chasing a fairytale and I am not a princess.

The things I do

I like to give more than people expect. I like the look on people's faces when I do. I like the way I feel when I do something nice for someone else. I get great joy from seeing the people I love happy, especially if I had a hand in their happiness. 

I know that this comes at a cost though. I miss out all the time. C'est la vie. 

Gentlemen, please

I have posted on various topics surrounding my love of men including sexiness, style and sex appeal. I have a thing for lips, eyes, arms and arses. In that order.  However, one of the most redeeming qualities of a man is gentleness. I'm not after some sappy weakling. Hell no! I like manly men - hairy chests, deep voices, strong arms and a penchant for mechanics. But I am a sucker for a gentleman. Give me manners, good personal hygiene (including soft clean hands), punctuality, stylish dressing and respectful behaviour and I am putty in your hands and, for those that know me, that is no mean feat. I can be a hard arsed biatch! I have more balls than most men so the man for me needs to not only be able to cope with my feisty behaviour but be smart enough to see that I am the way I am out of necessity. I have borne the responsibility of everything for a very long time so I have adapted and adjusted to ensure that the needs of my children are met. I am sure that, with time, I will soften again.

To me, a gentleman is:

• Courteous (yes, please open the door for me; chivalry should not be dead)
• Kind
• Open-minded
• Confident (not arrogant)
• Honest
• Capable of feeling and expressing emotion

There are other qualities that make a gentleman including never kiss and tell, making the first move and respect for a woman's baggage.

Unlike many women, I do not expect a gentleman to offer to pay. While this is sweet and ridiculously flattering I believe it is unnecessary. And, honestly, it makes me quite uncomfortable. Perhaps this is because I don't believe that I am worthy of someone spending their hard earned on me. It is something I am working on accepting. From time to time. 

The power of greatness

Being around truly great people (whether they be family or friends) makes you feel like anything is possible. I choose to dedicate more time and effort into relationships that have a positive influence on my life and steer away from toxic people who, when I am around them, make me feel inferior, insufficient and insignificant.

Self care

I've neglected my mind, body and soul this year. Tonight I started my journey to make amends. I went to the gym after work and did and upper body workout. I had a delicious salad dinner then went back to gym for cardo, legs and Zumba. I drank loads of water. I bought myself a new toothbrush. I applied a hair treatment and face mask and gave myself a manicure. Feeling the love. I watched a movie snuggled under my blanket and tucked myself into bed before midnight.

I'm in a happy place.

Complacency

One of the reasons relationships fail is because people stop trying. Once someone is "theirs" there are no longer daily texts, attempts at seduction or polite 'good morning' and 'goodnight' messages. People are not possessions. You do not own them as you would a car or a handbag.

If you were willing to put in the effort to do certain things at the start of a relationship, continue with them throughout. Start as you intend to finish, as my wise friend says.

Just because they are loyal to you does not mean that they no longer deserve anything less than the time you were willing to commit when you were trying to win them over

Well. Fuck

It would appear that, despite my best intentions of always wanting to help, I just make things worse for people around me.

Sometimes it's hard to find the words to say

I often find it hard to talk to people. I find it hard to find the right words and what I say is often misconstrued. I always have the best of intentions but somehow I keep missing the mark. I am determined to keep trying and I am no longer interested in being censored. Not only with what I say but what I do too. I will always be mindful of others but I am tired; emotionally drained. So I will say what I mean and mean what I say. I will lavish those around me with kindness, generosity and love in all its forms. I will continue to put others ahead of me. These are traits in me that others find infuriating but they make me who I am.

I am overly generous. I always give more than I receive. I go above and beyond. While babysitting for my sister I will clean her house, whether she notices or not. I do not do it for thanks but to be truly helpful. So that when she comes home after a horrendously long day there are no dishes in the sink, no pasta sauce on the bench, no cake crumbs on the kitchen floor. I do it because I WANT to make others lives easier.

I want the people around me to be happy. Happiness is found in fleeting moments. I am going to savour ever single one. So, I will continue to bring little treats for the people I like in the office - a chocolate here, a banana there, a favourite drink, cake - not because I expect anything in return but so when they turn up in the morning there's a little something to make their miserable work day a little brighter. Just because I can.

I looked in the mirror this morning before I walked out the front door, as I always do, and I thought to myself "If people don't want to be around this then that is their loss". And, shocked, I realised I actually believed it.  Thanks be to my beautiful sister and my spectacularly supportive and brutally honest, blunt and intolerant cousin, I know that I am enough. Just as I am.